THE VAMPYRE by Tom Holland
Aka “The Very Secret Diary of Lord Byron (who is really a VAMPIRE do you see!!!!)”.

Dear diary.

Week 1: England does not have enough wenches. I am getting my grebt platonic chum HOBBHOUSE and going to lands where they speak in furrin. Have strange feelings of foreboding. Mmmm…. foreboding. Still a Lord.

Week 2: I keep having dreams about a warlock. Perhaps I am a gay. Also having strange desires for tomato ketchup which I didn’t even know was invented yet. Leant against a rock and poeticised feverishly. There appears to be a scratch on my neck. I hope it is not anything homo.

Week 3. Hurrah! Am undead! Fear my aristocractical pallor! Now I can really get to grips with my gothicity (tm LA Times)! Time to go bite some nexx0r as long as it is goats and whores. Not boys.

Week 4: Woke up in bed face down in ink and parchment. O most profound misery! Did not drink any scarlet nectar today. Oh Hobbhouse! You are still alive although my new VAMP mate called Lovelace wants to drink yore blud. I think he is a gay too.

Week 5: have not read that far yet. Less than 100 x pages to go THANK JAYSIS.

T. Holland has also written another book called SUPPING WITH PANTHERS. Apparently this features not only BYRON but also Oscar Wilde, Bram Stoker and oh, Byron again. And Shelley. And Keats! I cannot think of any more romantic ORTHORS but I am sure if I get a Puffin “My First Wet And Weedy Peotrie Wot Rimes” book it would give me a full roll-call. Hurrah!