Who Needs Motty?
Tonight’s England World Cup qualifier as texted to a friend separated from his TV.

Fine looking bunch of lads, these Azeris. Theme tune’s a bit melodramatic, mind. Says a lot about a nation, its choice of anthem. And this blood, thunder and screaming doesn’t bode well. They’ll sneak a point from a corner in the 89th minute, you mark my words.

We’re one up, Owen after 21 minutes. Nice header from a good Cole cross. The Azeris aren’t lying down, though.

It’s blowing a gale. Ball’s extra bouncy. Electronic hoarding’s advertising Jean-Michel Jarre’s latest masterwork (hope you appreciate this colour – it wouldn’t be a match without the desperate whiff of blatant – yet slightly inappropriate – commercialism. Wouldn’t want you to miss out on the full experience). And Rooney’s been booked. David Beckham is unavailable for comment.

HT 1-0. Time for a pint.

Smith on for Defoe after 54. Azeris have been very close. Find your local store at bargainbooze.co.uk. Keeper tips a Lampard screamer over. Michel Platini’s looking very cold.

Carole Nash car & bike insurance. Some very dodgy reffing going on by the man from Luxembourg. Wrighty’s boy is on for Jenas. Paul Robinson provides match’s best moment by decking a pitch invader. Bit of handbags. Wrighty’s boy’s got his dad’s attitude.

Here’s the 89th. Can the plucky little country pull it out of the bag? Time to hold your breath.

And there’s the whistle.

England 1, Azerbaijan 0.

Not pretty, but job done.

Nasty eastern European banana skin deftly avoided.

We can play out the rest of qualification from the comfort of the United Kingdom.

Germany, here we come.

Famous last words.