The scariest stuff is ALWAYS unexpected. You didn’t EXPECT that vampire would ambush you from behind the curtains, did you?? You didn’t EXPECT to look in the mirror innocently, whilst inspecting your pristine VISAGE to see SATAN looking out at you, did you?? Another thing which you never expect to see (unless you are very much of a wrongcoq and if so YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE WRONG WEBSITE kthx bye) is your parents doing “the wild thing”!!

Somehow this fear has only reached #8 in the Freaky Trigger Fear List despite containing elements of PRETTY MUCH EVERY OTHER FEAR mentioned so far. One of my personal fears has always been teeth, dripping saliva and the sound of… snarling…(I blame reading reviews of the ALIEN! videogame when I was but a very impressionable tiny). Fear of gooey teeth + bonking = instant v4gina dentata fear, and even more frightening is that this fear resides deep inside your mum, and is in fact her inherent essence, you could say it even defines her in the role of “mother”, this petrifying and all consuming fear IS HER, the lady who cuddles you and puts plasters on your knee, ARGH!!!

And that’s only the mother! What about your DAD! I’m of the firm belief that past a certain age ie 16, meng should cover themselves up, because what happens to meng?? THEY GET HAIRY. They get really, really hairy. What is another universal fear of humanity?? DEVOLVING BACK TO APE FORM!! As, at a tender age (and seeing yer foax doing the wild thing is inevitably as a tiny, elder yoofs learn to STEER WELL CLEAR of any such area where IT might be done unecessarily), the little ‘uns aren’t even quite sure what they are, can’t it be argued that seeing your DADS HAIRY BACK rising up and down in strange and painful looking ritual would IN FACT encourage SEVERE regression and probably acute aphasia as a reaction to being confronted with such ugly primitivisms deep down INSIDE THE HUMAN BRANE! In fact, I put it to you that all the bratty behaviour of children is an instinctive protectionary reaction to pre-empt EVER having to be faced with such a dangerous horror and if we want to rectify the behaviour of our kiddies, we need to get separate beds for THE FOAX.

Anyway, what I’m saying basically is, it mings, it shouldn’t be seen and quite frankly once they’d had YOU, you’d think they would have learnt their lesson anyway, wouldn’t you. PARENTS: you should be ashamed.