Crocodile Dundee is a truly wretched film. In short it is merely an extended version of Paul Hogan’s Fosters commercials, stretched out to an hour and a half. And what a tedious, prospect that is. “Can you tell me the way to Cockfosters?” stretched over ninety minutes. No, but I can show you a cockfarmer.

There are all sorts of objective criteria with which to slate Dundee, the most obvious of which is the entire casts lack of success in anything else. Perhaps the success of CD was linked to the success of CDs: the new media format had just taken over the world and hence anything with its initials would do well (see also Celine Dion). Maybe the world was suckered by the fairytale romance between Paul Hogan and Linda Kozlowski (the fairytale in question being The Beast and The Beast). Or maybe the world suffered a massive 1986 mentalbad which made us ditch the Police Academy series for something even dumber. For Crocodile Dundee is that truly rare thing, a film with awful reviews, that is awful, that everyone saw. Perhaps in the pantheon of Paul Hogan films it is the best, but if you have seen Almost An Angel and Lightning Jack you will know that is saying NOTHING.

Fish out of water comedies can be funny. Country mouse, town mouse comparisons often reveal great seams of satire in society. Crocodile does none of these things, instead it concretes the image of the average, modern Australian to some sub-Steve Irwin boor*. Perhaps if Dundee had been an aboriginal himself then some interesting comments could have been made, but like Tom Cruise in The Last (and coincidentally Best and White) Samurai the film papers over genuine issues with an unrealistic “let’s all live together” harmony completely at odds with the leads social ineptitude. A film attempting to reclaim masculinity via the size of knives, it is reprehensible on every level and never raises a smile. Even trying to remember what happens in the film has made me depressed. NEVER WATCH!

*Crocodile Dundee is also responsible for Steve Irwin, and him infinitely** better film Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course which is pretty much Crocodile Dundee done well, with proper nature bits.

**That’s a word I don’t use very often, and probably don’t mean to use here.