Watching CSI:Miami is akin to watching an ant crawl down the pavement on a supermegadoubleplusgood zoom lens from the 60th floor of a sky scraper for 20 years, then playing back the film of the event in reverse at 1000000000x the original speed and seeing the ant spell out the word “IMPROBABILITY” in a perfect cursive hand (do ants even LIVE for 20 years)?

CSI is where forensics (officially science of “you gotta be kidding me, right) staff are all beautiful and gorgeous as they stick on the rubber GLOVES and delve DEEPLY into dead people’s GUTS, as super gory animations put you off your Savoury Bite Matzoh Crackers and the most ludicrous “clue” is gathered from the silliest premise – viz finding a strand of STUFF which is IMMEDIATELY identified as BURLAP which – omg – is what people sit on at the BEACH where the key event on which the murder hangs, omg!!

As the neu bastion of silliness I can only applaud it. 24 had similar levels of improbability but ALL THE WOMEN LOOKED THE SAME and they took it far more seriously (=yawn), and there’s SPOOKS on BBC1, well it’s a nice try isn’t it Auntie Beeb but quite frankly I don’t really feel massively inspired by it.

CSI: Miami RULES! And if you don’t realise it’s in Miami, they cut away from the rapidly decreasing entropy scenes to “establishing” shots of skyscrapers every other minute. Marvellous. Miami looks er, shiny. That’s all.