EASTENDERS: ENCORE UN FOIS! New characters all round and I come out of my rubbish DYS retirement in order to give you, dear reader, the Definitive ROUNDUP. First we have the lovely Sash, whose nose is the size of the square and who wears so much eyeliner that I’ve heard Fat Bob “Bobby Bob Bob” Smith is planning a dawn raid of jealousy, and then we have a WHOLE NEU FAMILY! The Millers, Mickey’s nearest and dearest inc minging mam, minging dad, pregnoid skool-child and thieving little scrote who may or may not be called TYLER, I’m not quite sure.

My personal BRANE JURY is currently OUT on deciding whether the Millers = grebt or = rub. Genghis the Dog == grebt whereas the mam who thinks every woman in the square is after her husband is clearly based on no other character than DAISY from Keeping Up Appearances but has even less dimension, quite impressive eh? Her “soft-side”, I’m guessing, is meant to show up when she has tender moments with her little brat – you know the one I mean – the one with a cushion shoved up her blouse and loads of freckles. Well forgive me if I am so far failing to give a monkeys. Mickey is still doing well and I like the fact we’re getting a “nice guy” character without the weediness of Spencer Moon, but the others? Hmmmm.


Sash tho’. THAT NOSE! Does anyone else secretly suspect she was only bought back in order to facilitate the “Tariq mortally scared of SNAAAAKES” storyline? I shore hope so.

And what other Stenders news do we have? Peggy is back in the Square! With a beehive hairdo. And before anyone sez SPOILAZ it’s been all over sodding BBC1 and you can’t exactly avoid it, can ye. I’m sure the return of “The Duchess” will be very exciting, perhaps as exciting as Sam and Andy’s wedding plans.

Or perhaps not.

(Also: Kareena in back from Ibiza with a completely neu personality shockah!!! She now wears short skirts and sometimes wears her hair down!! And er… er… nope, she’s still as BORING as before. GAAAAH! Someone fetch me my stash of rotten tomatoes and the first Stenders scriptwriter you can find…)