Brian Cox is Swiss Toni is Agamemnon. From the near opening moment of Troy when this fact is revealed you know the whole affair will be ludicrous. Appreciated as a film version of a orally told tale makes things a lot easier. After all, Homer probably did voices to distinguish the characters. It probably makes sense of the part about fifteen pages in where Agamemnon says “You know winning a war is much like sleeping with a beautiful woman”.

I was worried that everyone would do those terribly British accents reserved for heritage films. No fear. Pitt wanders back and forth between sulky Kansas schoolkid to sulky Bertie Wooster. As for Krueger who plays Helen, her accent really is that scary. Because after all, these deeds will go down in HISTORY (everyone seems far too aware of this), despite this version of the Trojan war being three thousand six hundred and thirty days shorter than the original, an incident wise much less interesting.

Instead the film is propped up by Eric Bana playing the sensible, nice but doomed Hector, and Sean Bean’s Odysseus. Bean’s motivation is clear. Post Lord Of The Rings he has realised that the money is in the sequels, and certainly he would get much more screen time in the Odyssey. Bana is probably trying to make up for everyone hating the Hulk. In the end though the film falls between the stools of being too faithful (sticking to the basic storyline) and too Hollywood (glinting teeth, not so much gayness). The Iliad is, without the Gods*, a bit of a rubbish story with no real heroes to speak of. From the petulant Achilles to the warlike Agamemnon the Greek’s are all pretty unpleasant. And the Trojan’s are the bad guys (for which read they lose).

*The best way to save Troy (as a film, the city is long gone by now) is to add a God’s commentary track on to the DVD, with a pissed off Apollo being indignant at his statues desecration and Poseidon getting all arsey about the wooden horse.