Hey you, SUV driver! Fed up with being persecuted because your gas-gobbling family tank is causing ice caps to melt every time you drive the kids to school? Maybe you’re a frequent flyer worried about the millions of tonnes of CO2 pumped into the atmosphere by increasingly common air travel? Do you feel a twinge of guilt every time you leave a light on or boil a full kettle to make one cup of tea? Well stop worrying and start driving – while you still can.

According to a new study by the IPCC, the much feared climate change through global warming will never come about simply because there isn’t enough oil to burn. Of course, this will mean goodbye cars, planes, plastic etc. But until then, you can drive your Hummer H2 safe in the knowledge that it’ll be useless heap of scrap before it raises the sea level.

Oh and don’t worry about the energy shortfall. There’s still plenty of coal.