Non-alcoholic drinks aren’t always a concern of Publog but there are perfectly good arguments for sitting in a pub and drinking them, not least because dammit some of them, namely the noble Slime, are pretty great.

I am from South Oxfordshire, which is something I generally manage to disguise by being militant about which bit of London it is best to live in. However, every now and then something will flag up my yokel origins, the most striking being the seemingly inexplicable tendency of barpeople to, when I ask for a soda and lime, hand me a mysterious pint of Strongbow which some fool has placed lime cordial into. In some situations, this is …well, not per se acceptable but something deeply British in me assumes it must be my fault somehow and drinks the pint before trying ‘diet coke’ as a phrase next time. There are, however, some situations where this is not a viable option, for instance when on prescription druqks that do not mix with lovely (or borderline-undrinkable) bouze or when handling heavy machinery, etc. which leads to me being in a permanent state of fear regarding what on earth the barperson is going to come up with.

Despite my best attempts to keep an eye on what they’re doing to stop the debacle early if needs be, sometimes it’s unclear whether a pint is being poured for someone else and sometimes they manage to do it seemingly secretly under the bar and then the horrific awkwardness begins. On the one hand, this is not what I ordered, I do not want it and am well within my rights to say ‘no, get me a soda and lime you cloth-eared fule do I look like a cider drinker? …Oh, I see’ but what if I can’t communicate to them that I wanted SODA again and the bar is busy and everyone glares at me and my incomprehensible yokelisms until I am hounded from the city with whatever it is you lot use instead of pitchforks and I don’t know, burning copies of the Evening Standard?

1) Is cider and lime becoming “a thing?” Is this what the kids are doing these days?
2) Even in my occasionally-extreme Pam Ayres accent, the words ‘cider’ and ‘soda’ are FAIRLY DISTINGUISHABLE and if a barperson isn’t sure, surely they should check?
3) Am I going to have to start asking for ‘lime cordial and soda water’ like some kind of a ponce or should I just give up and have an orange juice and lemonade like a normal? (mind you, that would probably come back as a hot toddy or something)

Most worryingly what in the name of everything flat, cloudy and served warm to be drunk whilst leaning over a fencepost is THIS?

I know we’ve had Peronelle’s “blush” but …cassis? And lime? In a can of fizzy cider? REALLY?