It is December, which can mean just one thing in the pubgoing world. PUB AMATEUR MONTH IS HERE. Yes, it is the time when Christmas cheer = poorly ordered beer, when Guinness is suddenly the last drink ordered and your waiting time will rocket. So here are a few tips from the seasoned pro – to other pub regulars.

1) Think of it like anthropology, or even worse, some sort of David Attenborough zoology show. Away from the bar there is much fun in watching office letches come a-cropper and lightweights stumbling. Stay clear of their beer spill radius though.

2) Look out for people who only order a couple and then start going back and forth. There is nothing wrong with big rounds, but you need them upfront. The best people to aim for on the bar are the regular drinkers who are getting flyers in. Pubs should really have a “four beers or less” queue.

3) Avoid the middle of the bar. A truism anyway, at Christmas this area gets full of people who have realised they cannot get served and is the black hole of ordering.

4) Avoid new bar staff. Lots of pubs get extra bar staff for Christmas. Try to avoid as the combo of new bar staff and amateur punters is a half hour wait.

5) Go to rough looking pubs. Office party types avoid them.

6) This is not the time of year to try innovative new carrying methods for your beer. You will be jostled into and out of the bar area plenty of times.

7) Smack the punter who waves a tenner at the bar staff. Affect a “I know its hell” smile and maintain eye-contact and you will get served first.

8) And remember, you are the pub pro.