Red Kite Farms Ltd have come up with Organic Slumber Bedtime Milk. Described as, ‘whole-milk, ORGANICALLY produced at night on our farm in the Chiltern Hills which may help to promote revitalising sleep.’ Apparently it’s chock-full of MELATONIN, which ‘regulates our body clock and triggers our desire to sleep.’ I don’t think desire is the problem, but still. As a part-time but keen insomniac I was blinded to the fact that Slumber Bedtime Milk costs about six times the price of normal milk and hurried home to guzzle a pint and catch some zeds. It seemed to go well. It’s a nice bottle and it tastes great. I started to drop off, cherishing visions of a frilly-gowned milkmaid gently massaging the heaving udders of a contented cow under the stars. I was nearly gone when it occurred to me that this would be a good opportunity to make my long-awaited* debut on Pumpkin Publog. Slowly but surely the milkmaid took on the shape of Starry Sarah and the cow started turning, pixel by pixel, into Tim H’ Well, so much for a good night’s sleep.

The fact that Slumber Bedtime Milk is produced at night reminded me of the time my dear old dad started railing against the thoughtlessness of the local farmer because he could hear the milking machine buzzing away across the fields at about eleven at night. So one man’s melatonin-induced sleep is another man’s metallic teat-clanking night of gathering psychosis. Think on, Red Kite Farms, think on.

* long-awaited by me. I was so tired I forgot about Voll-Damm.