Pub adverts. As an integral part of the pub experience is drinking, it follows on logically that so is GOING FOR A WEE. In your favourite pub, you get to know the toilet as well as you know your favourite table and old mang regular. For example, the toilets in The Rising Sun (actually this is now not a favourite due to tardy barstaff not tidying used glasses away from the bar for HOURS and also the repeated playing of some godawful grungeish album upon last visit) always have adverts for a free backrub HEM HEM somewhere in the Warren Street vicinity and ALSO an advert for a womangs sexual health clinic god knows where as I am perfectly acceptable in those areas…. anyway less of ‘bits’ and more of BOGS.

Other popular adverts include SCOOTERMANG. Of course I have now memorised the advert, analysed in depth in my own head their choice of typography – especially the vaguely ‘retro enough to be modern’ font but most often – annoy myself by debating the criterion of a pub which gets Scootermang advertising revenue. First of all, a) the clientele need to be rich enough to have a car and b) be stupid enough to drive it in central London. So implicitly, the presence of these adverts implies that the clientele must be loaded and dumb. NICE ONE you think in your drunken haze, I will pull myself a rich new husband! Off you stagger down the twisty stairs, passing the TOFFEE LIQEUR ADVERT WHICH I HAVE NEVAH SEEN IN A SHOP EVAH, and what do you see? Your bloody MATES hanging about talking about dinosaurs vs robots, or something. FOILED! The advert is not true to its demographic! SURELY THIS MEANS CLASS WAR.

However, I’m forgetting at this point that by this time in the evening (the semiology of bog adverts ahem) that I am as pissed as a fart, so off I go and start shouting that the robots could be killed a lot easier in a freak electrical storm ESPECIALLY the perils of WATER + ELECTRICKAL STORM and it’s so easy to short them out and dinosaurs are like.. organic… what? My round? Take some money and go to the bar, mine’s a toffee liquer. YAY FOR ADVERTS!