Lager and lime is nice. There, I said it. It tastes nice when you’re in a lazy mood. It makes the most acrid of ‘cooking lagers’ slip down like a dream. And furthermore, being a girl, I am allowed to have it. But, being a girl in a round, I am seldom allowed to exercise my will. Sometimes male compadres can be persuaded to order this elixir, but always with embarrassed reluctance.

The muttering of ‘lager and lime’ nearly always ends in disaster. At no point will the bar man/maid leap over the bar and deck the purchaser for ordering a poofy drink. However, without clear pronunciation, they can mess things up. The simplest outcome is a lager, no lime. This is more than likely the fault of the round-buyer. But more offensive end-products are to be had out there. I have had a lager and orange cordial (this can be blamed on unsleight of hand with the cordial bottles), but a confident order might have prevented this drink-crime. Quite possibly the worst drink known to man is the lager and wine. This Carling/leibfraumilch blended aberration was poured in the Hercules on Holloway Road, by an imbecile. I’ve not yet had a lager and slime, or a lager and brine. I’m obviously not going to the right places.

Slurred speech, deaf, stupid or careless bar-staff. None of these are a fair combination when on the hunt for a tainted lager of some kind.

By the way, the only lager and lime that is not nice, is the Sol ‘n’ slice. Anyone who drinks this is a satanist. Probably.