And a glass of white wine for the lady (… beer goes right through me): Pubs have always been a male haven with the only female present usually being the barmaid. But as we haul ourselves into the 21st century us gals are bravely pushing aside social prejudice and marching into pubs (and then staggering out). Unfortunately your average landlord is unprepared for the onslaught. I’m not talking about the decor, or the choice of beverages on offer. The problem is the toilet.

I’m sure the Mens’ aren’t exactly of the standards maintained by, say, your mum (regular cleaning, plentiful paper disguised by crochet doily lady etc etc) but the Ladies’……….I am thinking in particular of the Olde Surgeon. Perfectly nice pub let down by perfectly vile toilet facilities. Where to begin with my complaints. First: location. Pub lavs are always but always either up or down a very steep flight of stairs and these are no exception, they are in the basement. This makes them cold and dark and miserable. Second: everything else. Of the two cubicles, one had no light and no light switch. Girls don’t like using dark toilets as there may be spiders. The other had a fully functioning light bulb but the seat was ‘askew’, i.e. falling off. Well, it had pretty much fallen off. And the floor was very cold. I know this because I had to change my tights having sustained a hole earlier in the day. Not wanting to embarrass my companions with my shabby appearance I decided to change but regretted it having stood on the very very cold floor.

Finally the lighting in the sink area was crap. This is a problem as crap lighting makes you look better in the mirror so you are mistakenly led into thinking you don’t need to reapply makeup whereas in fact you look like Nichola from Big Brother on a bad day and are desperately in need of some tactically applied slap. (Not a slap but some slap you understand).

So publicans remember the following in your ladies: 1. Functioning lights. 2. Paper in the holder not on the floor. 3. Seat in place 4. Well lit and flattering mirrors. 5. Warm floor.

These things matter.