DUEL! 2002 — Round 1 Match 13
The only reason Baxendale are in Duel! is because Starry insisted so here she is:
‘Its not a world-weariness that makes me hate BaxenPILEOFPOO or that maybe I can’t’relax, take it easy’ enough to enjoy what they would love to think is the perfect three minute pop song. A blinkered belief that p!o!p! = a few nicked ERASURE beatz or Just Enuff Glitch is IMMENSELY rockist! Oh whot is this member of Baxendale doing AH he is pulling smug face cos he haf an exclusive 750 limited edition 7″ run avaliable at darla.com! Compromise in pop = CRAP and BaxenuphilldownDale are a compromise for those who wish – so desperately wish! – that chart pop was their real safe haven with SEQUINS and PRETTY LAYDEEZ but are too intellectually snobby to accept it. So along come Baxendale who can provide soothing talk of The “bloody” Smiths, listen to Destinys Child (‘how modern! R&B!)and play tosspot venues with some sixth form support band from BUMHAVEN!
And you know why they use a drum machine? THEY HAVE NO OTHER FRIENDS!!!!! Vote Baxendale into the next round WITH A BULLET!!!!!!
Starsailor = fneh. Blah blah sound a bit like a rip off of Coldplay blah blah, Daddy was an alcoholic WELL NO BLUDDY WONDER if he had to listen to those lot recording their so-dirgey-it-is-like-listening-to-a-COMA choons in their smelly and sweaty bedrooms. Then again, being in the pop music charts = MORE POP THAN BAXENDALE so you’ve got to ask who is going about this the right way and WHO IS A SUCKAH eh? However I’m sure Starsailor win in the ‘Most Sixth Form Name’ awards soon to come to national fame.’
YESTERDAY’S RESULTS: Moldy Peaches 73% – Mogwai 27%
PRAISE GOD ALMIGHTY THE MOLDY PEACHES GOT THROUGH! Your comments:
‘My God, what a choice. Hmm, Mogwai I think. The Moldy Peaches might be poo but they’re not as BORING as Mogwai. Someone certainly fed those ugly fucks after midnight…’
‘Moldy Peaches cos they can’t even spell their own name.’
‘And what moldy peaches teach us is that Drugstore were good by comparison. such crud i did not expect to hear again. It’s not even the jaunty noveltyness, cos I’m a sucker for that (witness a large chunk of my reckid collection), they are just AWFUL. I’m intrugued that they’re in the running tho, cos DUEL rules say they must have been treated to serious press coverage in the last year (IIRC). WHO HAS DONE SUCH A THING!? Bring me their heads.
Mogwai are just noisy and go on a bit, but I kind of enjoyed the Glasto set I saw.’
‘You remember watching Eddie Murphy around Beverly Hills Cop 3 and Vampire in Brooklyn? When you wanted so bad to laugh because he used to be funny? Remember how it became exhausting and painful to watch? I give you the Moldy Peaches.’
‘But even real moldy peaches have an advantage over the band, because you can use rotten fruit to pelt talentless fuckers til they realize how useless they are and give up. The band, on the other hand, simply ARE just talentless fuckers.’
‘the moldy peaches may be a bit studenty, but at least they aren’t convinced that an endless loop of the bit at the end of ‘expressway to yr skull’ is IMPORTANT and PUNK ROCK.’
‘moldy peaches kicked my fwend MISTY off their tour support slot cuz they iz TWATZ when she = kewl’
‘Moldy Peaches. At least Mogwai helped all the You-Ess indiekidz realise that Blur=Shite, a public relations u-r-not-god coup only exceeded by Jarvis Cocker’s stick insect buttocks.’
‘both are novelty acts. moldy peaches get my vote for hurting the eyes.’
‘Tom said: “‘Who’s Got The Crack?’ is quite simply the worst record made by anyone so far this millennium — a crossbreed of ‘Because I Got High’ and ‘Where’s Me Jumper?’ played on a broken guitar by two gimps in animal suits.” NO, you silly boy, this makes it THE BEST RECORD OF THE MILLENIUM innit. I mean i don’t mind mogwai, but they do go on a bit, can we just vote for coldplay again?’ [will Starsailor do? — Ed.]