DUEL! 2002 — Round 2 Match 2

Duel 2002! – Round 2 Match 2

Which Of These Bands Is Worse?
The Stereophonics

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What can we say? This is the Duel! readers have surely been clamouring for — though perhaps will be surprised to see as early as Round 2. Nickelback – who stormed through the first round against PRML SCRM — are the scourge of charts and ears worldwide right now, but can they possibly prevail against the Stereophonics, surely the most hopeless and worthless bunch ever to wield instruments under a UK passport? Words fail me — and I’m sure you’ve plenty of your own. Remember that comments count towards the vote totals!


A controversial Duel! this, as an investigation into voting patterns revealed a huge bunch of votes being cast for Muse in about half an hour. Such blatant block voting cannot go unpunished, so Muse lose several votes from their total. Let’s see how the bands and comments stack up.


Votes: 66

‘Go Starsailor Go Starsailor! No seriously, just go.’ (+1)

‘Anyone who votes for Muse has obviously clearly never listened to “Alcoholic”, the utter nadir of tedious British whining shite. Plus Muse are entertaining in an over-the-top sort of way, although obviously I’d rather never hear “Muscle Museum” ever again.’ (+1)

‘Id rather hear Cartman bleat Sailing Away then Starsailor again
and again
and again
and again.’ (+1)

‘At least Muse can on occasion make me laugh- even if it is a slightly hysterical rocking backwards and forwards maniacal laughter. Starsailor haven’t even got the creativity to be pompous wankers- mediocrity is crime above crime. Starsailor must go forward.’ (+1)

‘no one I know is claiming that muse is the greatest band on earth. In fact, I dont know anybody who knows muse. So, starsailor loses this battle.’ (+1)

‘Hmmm, Wigan vs somewhere in Devon? It’s that ole norf vs sarf schism again. That said, having never knowingly heard either of these two, the result of the metaphorical coin toss goes to Starsailor. You’re named after some old blokes LP ferchrissake! Get thee to the next round!’ (+1)

‘I heard only one song by each band featured, and while I cant remember anything about the Muse one, I remember very well that I hated the wailing MOR folk that was the Starsailor one.’ (+1)

‘The singer from Muse does a sharp intake of breath between every line which makes him sound like he’s having an asthma attack. Thats a bit irritating. But Starsailor are only slightly less dull than the Stereo-fucking-phonics, and their singer seems to be a bit of a twat. So they win(lose?)’

‘They’re still both crap. But at least Muse jump about a bit.’ (+1)

‘GOD’S TEETH! Muse are BAD but, c’mon, Starsailor are worse and their singer has a FLAT FACE as I believe I metioned before. Flat faces = untrustworthy.’ (+2)

‘”Alcoholic”, “Fever” (and we’ll accept the contribution from their symbiotic cannibal twin in crime, Coldplay’s “Yellow”) – unconscious confession of how fucking jaundiced and vitamin-deficient their music is?

I finally escaped NZ and was in San Francisco for two months. Guess what concert tickets I was gifted with? Free tickets to Starsailor. TWICE. DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE.’ (+1)


Votes: 66

Penalty for Cheating: -10

‘OK, Starsailor are pure grot, but Muse are the pits. They are responsible for the worst EP title ever aka “Muscle Museum”. FACT: anyone owning this record is a loser.’ (+2)

‘Apparently Millionaire are supporting the band on their tour. Maybe Millionaire should transport Muse to a nearby dumpster.’ (+1)

‘I bought tickets for a Hives concert. now I hear it has been changed so that the Hives are supporting Muse.

So now I hate Muse.’ (+1)

‘Three years ago, I strayed into a tent at a festival and saw Muse, a beastly experience from which I may never recover. Someone needs to put an end to their histrionic posturings.’ (+2)

‘We hate Muse and we hate Muse
We hate Muse and we hate Muse
We hate Muse and we hate Muse
We are the Muse haters!’ (+2)

‘Matt Bellamy has a worse haircut. Not a lot in it, otherwise.’ (+1)

‘Starsailor are barely non-entities. Muse are easily 10 x 10 x 10 … times worse. Witness “Plug In Baby” – it’s horrific!’ (+1)

‘MUSE: verb; Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French muser to gawp idiotically at a bunch of talentless pretty boys, idle, muse, from muse mouth of an animal, from Medieval Latin “musus” meaning “music that is guff”.’ (+2)

‘Muse are simply appalling. Has no-one heard “Unintended”, the most twiddly-de-dee piece of indie noncesense since “Trouble” by Coldplay? And “Sunburn” is spectacularly wearisome. Who is buying this crap?’ (+1)

‘Muse are the worst band ever.’ (+1)

‘I can’t believe people are voting for Starsailor! I thought “Duel” was “the ongoing search for the worst band in the world at the present time” not “the ongoing search for the most mediocre and ignorable band in the world at any present time” (namely Starsailor).

Muse sit astride the current music scene like a forty-foot snowman made of shite. They must go on to the next round!’ (+1)

‘This is like saying, what’s worse having your left or right leg amputated? Muse get my vote, a) because the Starsailor album cover is quite a nice goldy colour, b) I drew Muse out of the ‘hat’ at Fancy A Pint V (actually folks, it’s an old carrier bag that Tom carries his sandwiches in or summat. And you know what, it’s a bit of a drunken occasion too. I’d have thought that something as urgent and key as Duel would have required, nay, demanded an atmosphere of reverence and a Ted Croker and Sir Bert Millichip-type ambience as silver balls are drawn ever so slowly from a velvet bag, handled carefully to reveal the name and then placed in a sort of egg-box type tray for storage until the next round)’ (+1)

‘I love Mase.’ (+ 0)

: Totals — STARSAILOR 77 (52%) — Muse 72 (48%)