DUEL 2002! Round 1 Match 6

Duel! 2002 Round 1 Match 6

Which Of These Artists Is Worse?
Badly Drawn Boy

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On the subject of these combatants Starry Sarah Clarke sez:

‘Bing bong! Going up! Haberdashery, womenswear, kitchen implements! Going up! Bass guitars, thermal socks and overpriced Sanrio merchandise! Ever since lifts in department stores stopped announcing what was on each floor in an ARE YOU BEING SERVED STYLEE, the problem faced by innocent punters has been LIFT SILENCE. Quite ingenious really – to solve this trauma, lifts have been piped through with easy listening versions of popular hits. BUT THERE IS A DARKER SIDE. Badly Drawn Boy (aka Damon Gough/Badly Dressed Twat) has now spent such a long time in lifts wearing a tea cosy in his head, that whenever he sits down in his squalid Chorlton cesspit with his flea ridden acoustical geetar, all he can churn out is fetid and inspid Musak. To honour this homage to the time spent between the Basement (aka the DUNGEON of LATEX PAIN) and Floor 71, prize shopper Joan Collins appeared in one of his videos and had a bath. Badly Drawn Boy looked surprised as he has obviously not had a wash for several years. EURGH! Vote this PROGRESSIVE LIFT MUSAK OFF!

Another stranger to the land of fragrant shower/bath gel would be control phr34k Jason Pierce AKA Spiritualized. He’s well known for writing songs about his BURD. And HORSE. Not the GRATE Horse that lives on the first floor outside my office, but the DRUG. HORSE! Unlike the Badly Dressed Twat, no-one famous has ever been in any of his rock music videos. Jason thinks that this is because he is too intense. The rest of the world however fear the overblown pompous arse emissions from the skinny ones crack and stay well away. His fans call him ‘The Prophet’ Jason Pierce. I however call him so dull that I can think of nothing else to say. A VOTE FOR SPIRITUALIZED is a NO vote for mediocrity – oh and also NINE THOUSAND PIECE ORCHESTRAS. I’m sure he sits at home and eats the stuff that collects in his toenails. And nothing else. YUCK.”

Friday’s Results: MANIC STREET PREACHERS — 57% : Gorillaz — 43%

Despite a last-minute surge in their votes, you decided to tolerate the Gorillaz, and therefore the second round will be next for the Manics. And your comments on this clash? (Well, wannabe-Clash in the Manics’ case’)

‘gorillaz because they are one of those outfits that allows stupid white boyz to claim that they are, you know, like totally down with hip-hop.’

‘The Gorillaz are the worst thing to happen to popular music in four hundred years.’

‘Richey Lives!’

‘Demon Albarn must go.’

‘honestly, i’m not that bothered by gorillaz, but the only manics album i’ve ever heard was a dead ringer for “winds of change” by scorpion. ick. also, social activism is never as cool as cartoons.’

’19/2000 is the worst song ever recorded, by anyone, anywhere. I would rather have my own limbs force-fed to myself while being violated by long, pointed sticks than hear Gorillaz again. Manic Street Preachers on the other hand – nobody listens to them anymore so they may as well not even exist! Hah!’

‘well i’m going for the manics because they used to be good and they have more good tunes than the gorrilaz’

‘I can see the point now : everything is REAL (cuba for god sake!) vs everything is “virtual” (gee, how pomo!) :: both sides are crap and the match is pronounced a tie’

‘The Manics have an insane, missing-presumed-dead band member. Gorillaz just have band members who may as well be missing. No contest.’

‘Damon Albarn just IS a wanker, the Manics CELEBRATE and PROMOTE being utter wankers. This is a HIGHER CRIME, i reckon.’

‘I have gone for Gorillaz but this is rather like taking sides: cold tapioca vs. cold semolina. Give us somebody we can really hate!’

‘Not only are the Manics about as fun as waking up next to a headless corpse they also have the worst fans ever. I should know, I used to be one. Oh, and has anyone seen the state of Simon Price recently?’