Poor Brian Harvey, just been attacked in Nottingham by YOOFS with a machete. Where does one find machetes in Nottingham, I wonder? How puzzling. Is a machete usually the scalping instrument of choice in the Midlands? Either that or there is a MULTINATIONAL CONSPIRACY (hoo-ha!) against Harvey. Take this demoralising example, when

Harvey suffered an embarrassing moment in October when no-one turned up for a record signing in his native Walthamstow, London. The singer pulled out from the event moments before it was due to start because of a ‘television appearance’.“.

Did no-one turn up because the MAFIA HAD BARRICADED THE RESIDENTS OF WALTHAMSTOW INSIDE??

“Harvey has recently had a top 20 hit”.

Bless. Flowers to Nottingham City Hospital, Brianfans. (NB, this hospital is shaped like a SWASTIKA!!! What is the deal with THAT eh??)

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