Hooray for The War Against Silence!: only in Glenn McDonald’s remarkable column would you encounter this poser: “a friend contributed the following semi-rhetorical question, intended to enliven social gatherings: Are your romantic problems epistemological, ontological or teleological?”. In the column from which this is drawn, McDonald goes on to consider why he’s been single for a very long time, and then individually analyse fourteen versions of Marillion’s “Kayleigh”.