I was taken by the soldiers into custody where I explained how I had gotten into Iraq and what I was doing there in the first place. I was pleased to see that my mission resonated with the marines which surprised me a touch, until one of the chaps explained it to me.

“Its urgent and key you get back to the UK as soon as possible. While you have been away a terrible scourge has been unleashed on the British population.”
“What, Billie’s made another record.”
“No, even worst than Robson and Jerome from the frankly unrealistic television programme Soldier Soldier. Now this is much worse. James Blunt. Not only are his sappy, 45 year old woman loving songs enough to drive any sane man mad with tedium, he is bringing the Marines in to disrepute. You see he used to be a Marine, and now whenever we attack the enemy they sing “You’re beautiful” to us and laugh. We are supposed to be the hard men of the army. How can hard men like us write a song like that? Please, destroy him for us.”

So I agreed and got a lift to Egypt for my troubles in a Harrier Jump Jet (or was that the Falklands?)

Walk Like An EgyptianTHE BANGLES

Now I am not going to expect the Bangles band to have a degree in Archaeology, Egyptology or to have even been to Egypt before they make pronouncements on the Egyptian character. They are American after all. I’d be happy if they had been out of their state (state of piss poor musical poverty). But the sad thing is that the Bangles knowledge of the way an Egyptian might or might not walk is based on a few drawings on the inside of a pyramid. Drawn 4000 years ago. When they did not know about perspective.

You see the Bangles believe that pictures drawn on an Pharoah’s pyramid 4000 years ago accurately represent what Egyptians look like today. They also believe that all the cops in a doughnut shop are singing “way-o way-o-o”, which seems equally odd. And even if their beliefs were true, this all girl gaggle of gruesomeness are still missing a point. The Egyptians, as drawn in the pyramids, aren’t even walking. THEY ARE STANDING.

Not that I would like the song if it was called “Stand Like An Egyptian”. But at least it would be fucking accurate.