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Feb 05

Day 19: The Block Party AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 LOUSY TUNES

I Hate MusicPost a comment • 292 views

Day 19: The Block Party
AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 LOUSY TUNES

Ah the gleaming skyscrapers of Manhattan island. A beautiful, beautiful sight. That said, the bars on the ground floor of a lot of these edifices were the most beautiful thing, and as soon as I got myself some money, they would be my first destination.

Unfortunately this proved to be somewhat of a problem, me not having any real identification. In the end I went to the New York Public Library because they have free internet access there. I spent the time trying to contact my bank, and get some money sent over. Very little luck. On the way out though I was stopped by one of the security guards.

“Hold on, aren’t you that renowned British music hater who is missing feared dead.”
“Um, possibly. What makes you say that.”
He indicated down to his newspaper, which had the headline Renowned British Music Hater Is Missing Feared Dead. I borrowed the paper and discovered that whilst I was lost at sea the container ship limped into port in Miami, where I assume Crispian was now. This left me with a dilemma. I thought of going to the police to try and reconnect us, but I still fit the description of the fugitive who escaped with Simone (unless the description was of an Angela Lansbury lookalikee). Anyway, I don’t like going to The Police, for obvious Sting related reasons.

I had no money, no way of phoning Miami and still had not had a drink. So instead of swallowing a g&t like I would have loved, I swallowed my pride and pulled out the flier to Simone’s Block Party, up in Harlem.

Let me shorten the experience to a few words.
DRINK: Good
MUSIC: Bad
Drink + Music = Bad Tanya
Still, I managed to wangle a phonecall to the shipping company in Miami during setting fire to every Gang Starr record I could lay my hands on. Scarpering before the police and fire service turned up, I could not help but smile at my actions which turned this Block Party into a probable Cell Block Party.

LISA ‘LEFT EYE’ LOPEZ – The Block Party

“I do what I want to do!” laughs late lamented Lisa! Never a good sign. The things that pop stars want to do routinely include triple albums, acoustic jams and sleeping with minors. But wait, let’s find out exactly what Lisa wants to do.

“I do what I want to do – right foot, left shoe!”

What?

What? Is that it? Fucking hell, watch out society! Given immense wealth and fame the thing you really want to do is put your foot in the wrong shoe? Christ, even “zig-a-zig-aaah” is better than that. You don’t actually need to be a pop star to find out what happens if you put your right foot in your left shoe, Lisa. You waddle around a bit at best, fall on your arse at worst. Any three year old child could tell you that. That is the most feeble example of nonconformity since Blood Sausage boasted about not tucking their T-Shirts in.

(Worse still, wilfully getting your left and right feet confused could lead to all sorts of nastiness involving, let’s say, brakes and accelerators. Hmmm….)

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