I briefly interrupt the Round Of Rubbish to discuss a major security threat. The Farm, foes of car radios everywhere (and not because they’re Scousers – have you heard their records?), have come out of retirement to record England’s Euro 2004 football anthem, a version of “All Together Now”. Of course I am against this, there are too many songs in football as it is. In fact I wrote to various football luminaries a while ago suggesting that fans should unnerve their opponents by maintaining total silence but received no response save an encouraging letter from that nice Mr.Wenger.

But as I splashed gin on my cornflakes this morning I suddenly realised that this was no ordinary football song. It was a TERRIBLE WARNING. For the song was originally written about a game played in the middle of a war and all the players ended up DEAD. And we too are in the middle of a war, well sort of, so I deduce that The Farm are all Al Qaida operatives and this is their thinly weiled threat to explode the whole of Euro 2004. Intern them now! And if the British Army want to torture someone without getting into trouble, well I don’t think anyone would mind seeing Peter Hooton with a pair of electrodes strapped to his gonads.