What is the most important meal of the day? I was asked this by some pesky consumer survey thing which had been popped through my door which was sitting upon the pile of unopened Britannia Music Club application forms and death threats from Monsoon Bassoon (its the only publicity you’ll ever get from the internet – you might as well call it a day suckers). As I sucked first on the free biro in the pack and then on a refreshing mixture laced with juniper and quinnine it seemed very clear to me the mid-afternoon cocktails was the answer. This was not offered however, showing a great lack of foresight. Instead the line-up was as follows:
a) Breakfast
b) Lunch
c) Dinner
None of these seemed suitably alcoholic to me. I suppose lunch can be made palatable by being made liquid but truth be told even that is a touch early for me. Dinner always seems to get in the way of boozing. As for the other one, you know I wasn’t quite sure of what the word meant. So I looked it up in a dictionary.

Imagine my surprise to find that there was a whole meal I had been missing. A meal in the morning (a concept which was also relatively new to me). Intrigued I delved further – and what did I find. The most disgustingly depraved culinary ideas ever. A meal which oft consisted of toasted flakes of corn, fat ridden pig products and so many musical reminders that frankly it turned my stomach. No sir – breakfast is not for me – not with its Bread, Toast, Orange Juice – and those are just three bands for starters. I sleep through til 2pm, until the soothing tones of my G’n’Teasmade wakes me from my silent slumber. Breakfast is the most musical meal of the day – not only is the worst excesses of music radio pumping out at the time but so many musical reminders lay within its bounds. Over the next few weeks I intend to prove this as I bring you the most frightening IHM piece ever. Ladies and gentlemen I bring you : The Breakfast Of Banality.