I rejoice when a band splits up. To me its like Christmas and my birthday all on the same joyous moment. Especially when a band as rancidly unambitious as The Housemartins called it a day. Apart from approving of the member that went mad and tried to kill another member, and subsequently equally approving of his incarceration (anything that stops him from playing is a good thing) – I thought I would no longer be troubled by these Northern jangle-pop peddlers.

Imagine my horror when I heard Song For Whoever. It sounded exactly the same! Paul Heaton’s aren’t I clever lyrics wittily eviscerating the so called scam of having a girls name in your song so you can sell it to girls with that name. A scam which makes little sense because not every girl called Carol has a copy of Oh Carol, and the subsection of stupid girls who will go along with this is massively outnumbered by those with different names who will not buy it out of principle. Of course the song went to number one by dint of it also having loads more girls names in it. Surely it cannot be his smug self satisfied voice.

And no I am not just pissed of that Tanya isn’t mentioned in the song.

The Beautiful South, it soon became clear were the Housemartins without all the pesky other members that used to argue with Heaton. A man for whom ‘Who Ate All The Pies’ is never a tricky question to answer. The South also had a female member for all those time when Heaton wanted to write a song from a woman’s perspective. Indeed so in touch with his feminine side is Paul Heaton that their initial female vocalist left due to the sexist nature of his lyrics. Nice.

Old Red Eyes Is Back: a hard hitting song about alcoholism or a sappy piece written after I gave Heato two black eyes? Of course ‘You’ll sail this ship alone’, no other fucker would get on a ship with you. Unless it was called the Titanic and the iceberg had been booked. You get the idea. This MOR half-crafted half shat-out songs appeals to people who don’t like music*, and I suppose it’s a nice niche market to tap. But it doesn’t make you any good.

*Yes yes, I know I don’t like music too – I hate music. But hatred is much, much more active than merely disliking something. Do you think I’d go to all this trouble otherwise?