TANYA’S RAINBOW OF RUBBISH: Mellow Yellow – DONOVAN

INT: A dark hippy party some time in the sixties. Neil Diamond is playing on the shitty dansette in the corner while dirty, grubby hippies pass around joints. A ginger haired girl called TANYA is talking to her friend LUCY.

TANYA: Is this really hip Lucy.
LUCY: Sure is Saffron.
TANYA: The hippest of the hip. Man these drugs are driving me wild.
LUCY: I can’t feel my feet.
TANYA: You haven’t got any feet. Remember the accident?
LUCY: Oh yeah. Hey, who’s that freaky looking guy over there?
TANYA: I don’t know. He looks real ugly though.
LUCY: What’s he smoking? Isn’t that dried banana skins?
TANYA: I think so. Christ he’s not that bore that Neil was talking about earlier. The guy who is trying to flog Electrical Banana’s.
LUCY: Oh shit. He’s a real bore. He says they’re going to be the next craze. Is he staring at you?
TANYA: I think he is. Try not to look at him.
LUCY: He’s coming over. Bummer.

Over comes the ugliest, most hippy hippy you have ever seen smoking a banana skin which keeps setting light to his Kaftan.

DONOVAN: Hey girls. I saw you looking at me.
LUCY: we were staring really.
TANYA: Cos you are such a freak.
DONOVAN: What’s your name?
LUCY: (Hissing) Don’t tell him.
TANYA: Er – (thinking rapidly) You can call me Saffron.
DONOVAN: Hey Saffron. You know, I’m just mad about you. Do you know who I am?
LUCY: The high priest of Looniville? The Grand Vizier of Just Gone Round The Bend?
DONOVAN: They call me Mellow Yellow.
LUCY: Christ on a bike. Do you mind if I call you annoying Dylan knock off copyist bloke?
DONOVAN: No babe, that’s cool.
LUCY: I think I’m going to be sick. (Exits to be sick).
TANYA: I feel strangely drawn to you Mr Yellow. Yet my eyes, ears and every inch of my skin is crawling in revulsion. Tell me, how have you bewitched me.
DONOVAN: It must be this banana. Its strong stuff.

In the background we see Lucy, in disguise with Neil Diamond – leaving. Tanya was never seen again. Donovan was never seen again either, but mainly because his was a novelty record at best and frankly if your schtick is being a half-arsed British Bob Dylan it is unsurprising you dipped below the radar of publicity. Nine months later Lucy gives birth to a baby girl. She names the girl Tanya after her missing friend (despite her not having ginger hair or looking anything like that pop star loving freak) – and tells her never, ever to hang around with pop stars. Look what happened to her friend.

I Hate Music