You know, being the most respected rock’n’roll band that ever existed must have been a difficult gig. Not only were they constantly tortured by the self knowledge that they were actually crap, but the Beatles also had to suffer from their words being taken literally. Just as Elvis Presley has The Church Of The Latter Day Elvis, there are two factions of a Beatles religion fighting a fatwa (or Ringo – aka The Fat One) over the one true Beatles Religion. Much like the heresy of Protestantism there is merely one schism which separates the two creeds, who would otherwise be joined in their belief that All You Need Is Love (pacifists), that Tomorrow Never Knows (anti-determinists) and Baby, They Can Drive My Car (thieving Scouse bastards). Even as we speak people are dying in this cause to show that theirs is the true way, light and that Octopus’s Garden is actually a metaphor and not a pile of nursery rhyme wank. Let us examine the case:

IN THE RED CORNER: The One True Church Of The Beatles And All Their Solo Projects (except Ringo’s All Star Band). A blend of Catholicism and hippy George Harrison shite – the One True Church believes in the sanctity of stable marriages and therefore tends to favour the work of Paul McCartney. As such eating meat is frowned upon, and a firm belief in Yesterday is encouraged. Scrambled Eggs are also big on the menu. The main tenets are Letting It Be, attaining the nine major Revolutions and saying Hey to people called Jude. Heretical belief: “Money cannot buy you love”. (cf Lines 5, 12,13,14,,18,19,20 – Can’t Buy me Love).

IN THE BLUE CORNER: Seventh Day Rubber Soul Adventist. Favour the solo projects of John Lennon, and hence believe in Instant Karma – not just as a really bad album but as a guide to enlightenment. Stay in bed a lot. Also firm belief that the Taxman is trying to tax their feet and hence keep all their money in a big brown bag inside the zoo. Therefore easy to steal from. Heretical belief: “Fun is the one thing that money can’t buy”. (cf Lines 8,22 – She’s Leaving Home / Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band).

So what is it the truth? Can money not buy love as well as fun. The Rubber Soulers use the quite good argument that She’s Leaving Home was recorded after Can’t Buy me Love and therefore shows the ineffable band revising their previous views. The First Church however have a stronger line that is it patently untrue that money cannot buy fun. If it couldn’t then why would there be so many multinationals making movies, videos and porn to keep people entertained? Also they point out that Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band is a rubbish old piece of vaudeville dressed up as a concept album.

In the meantime, while the remaining Beatles keep schtum sectarian killings are still going on in Liverpool. Perhaps we would would have been better off if the Beatles had never existed.

No perhaps about it.