It may just be me, but the very mention of yuletide immediately brings to my mind the image of the hapless, curly-haired waste of skin who goes by the name of Doug Yule.

I’m bored witless of hearing how Mr Yule ruined the Velvet Underground, who remain a rock music sacred cow as lardy, leathery and bristled as a lustful union between Elton John and David Crosby. As far as I’m concerned, Yule made the VU better, although (obviously) they remained unlistenable shite. Anything has to be an improvement on that droning bloody viola.

Certainly, Doug Yule is preferable to the loathesome Lou Reed and John Cale, who between them have managed to construct a joint canon so large and so grim that it’s only rivalled by the bastard Beatles. The only VU member I can’t bring myself to hate is that Tucker woman, who looks like my Grandmother. Unfortunately her drumming is rather worse than my grandmother’s, even after the old girl had that nasty bout of rheumatoid arthritis.

Anyway, Doug Yule. Anyone sane would be delighted to have a history of musical crime in the Velvet Undergroud airbrushed from the record. But not Doug. Doug thinks he played a crucial role and has been written out of history. He’s particularly sore at not being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame with the rest of them, though why anyone would want to rub shoulders with Doris Schwartz and Leroy (in his pre-Prodigy Dancer days – incidentally there is no worse song than “Death Of The Prodigy Dancers” – such promise! such disappointment!) is beyond me.

Perhaps it’s the time of year, but I’m not inclined to be too hard on our Doug. It’s hard to feel anything but pity for a man who feels cheated by the world’s undervaluation of his part in the VU. What’s more, Mr. Yule made the wise move of giving up music for many years to pursue a career as a cabinet maker. If only more musicians would turn their hands to something useful. Maybe he even makes his cabinets out of old pianos…mmmmmm……

Nevertheless, there are three key reasons to hate Doug Yule:

1. He’s named after a time of year when children are encouraged to sing on the street after their bedtimes, and expect money in return. This is clearly a bad thing, not least because it increases the gross sum of music in public spaces.

2. He prolonged the recording lifespan of the Velvet Underground, a crime so self-evident that it needs no further explanation, except to say that if it wasn’t for the Yule incarnation of the band, the world may never have had to bear the horror that is ‘Sweet Jane’.

3. It’s been said that if Cale hadn’t left VU, then he (Cale) and Reed would have killed each other. By filling Cale-bach’s place in the Velvets, Yule made the final John-Lou conflict less likely, effectively forming a human shield between the two. The idea of either – or both – of these twin pillars of rock being cut down before inflicting their hateful solo careers on us is one of the happiest I can iimagine. Anyone with any responsibility for preventing it, however small, is to be despised forever. Take him away.