Swearing is clever, in real life as in music. My objection is to UNNECESSARILY COY SWEARING. This occurs when the artist?s natural predilection for BEING RUDE is suffocated by their label?s desire for airplay/greed. The result is some of the most cringeworthy records from every possible genre.

Exhibit A in this trial of champions: “Let?s Get Rocked” by Def Leppard. Now, “fuck” is a swearword. “Rock”, although denoting something that is obscene and unacceptable to the general public, is patently not a swearword. Craggy sweating blonde men querying “I suppose a Rock?s out of the question?”. Ha fucking ha but no thanks.

“Freak” is not a swearword either, particularly as used in “Freak Me” by Another Level. Certainly, given their already very freakish qualities, I don?t expect that many of the members of Another Level would need much more freaking in order for them to become dangerously freaked. If, on the other hand, it is a simply a shag they?re after, I would suggest that they might be better off just asking for it.

Who have we got to thank for the tragic tale of urban ennui that is “Funk Dat”? My Lord, it?s none other than Sagat! In the “clubs-only”, adult version, Sagat sounds like one tough hombre who?s had enough of the travails of modern city living. In the radio version (went to no.25 in Great Britain?s Top Forty), he comes across as a whiney narcissist who hasn?t had a friend since he told his last one to piss off after he called him once too often on his home phone. “Maaaaaaaan, FUNK DAT!” To paraphrase ODB, I don?t have a problem with you fucking me. I have a BIG BASTARD PROBLEM with you funking me.

Hmmm, is it rude or isn?t it rude? The Americans obviously think it is, otherwise they wouldn?t have made a fuss about “I See You Baby (Shaking That Ass)” by Groove Armada, insisting on it being changed to “Shaking That Thang”. Of course, if they had shown any sense at they, they would have insisted on the whole bastard piece of shit record was changed to, say, four minutes of silence on a CD. Groove Armada got it wrong first time out, though, because “Shaking that Arse” is much ruder and has a rather pleasing rustic Britishness to it.

Sorry, there are no records with the word “tits” in them. Made you look though.

Supergrass. Four guys from Oxford. I don?t think any of them are aged under five, although the giggling, “you-show-me-yours, I?ll-show-you-mine”-edness, of “Pumping on Your Stereo” suggests differently. And I?m sorry but “humping” is, if anything, LESS RUDE than “pumping”. So it fails on all counts. And the song?s bollox.

Cypress Hill are not a band that would generally be described as reticent. But in their 1993 hit “When the Sh.. Goes Down”, you can?t help but think that they are singing about some ferry disaster. If they want to say “shit”, why can?t they just say “shit”. Especially as this is such total shit. Such abbreviation is the musical equivalent of the use of asterisks to denote swearing, as is usually found in fanzines written by 14-year-olds and in IPC publications. Bunch of c***s.

Coy swearing – leave it out.