Jun 00

We Aren’t Reasonable People: Warp Records

I Hate Music8 comments • 603 views

You might have thought that Morse code had been rendered obsolescent by WAP phones and ISDN. Not so – the “dot-dash” lives on in its more irritating “bleep-blop” incarnation, thanks to Warp.

Warp has been going for 10 years and have been churning out minimal mid-tempo bleepy nonsense relentlessly over this period. Techno chinstrokers will no doubt reminisce about the days of LFO, RAC and Tricky Disco (maybe not) but the reality was that they were all crap. LFO’s “We are back” sounds like someone being beaten to death with a sampler in a back alley by a Dalek. Nightmares on Wax’s “Smoker’s Delight” – give me strength.

To commemorate 10 years of bleepfoolery, Warp released a double-album of its most important influences. Suffice to say, they were all losers like the Ital Rockers and Farley Jackmaster Funk, not to mention the long-suffering A Guy Called Gerald (i.e. “Vooooooooodoooooooo Ray” x 10 mins = yawn).

Worse than old records on Warp are contemporary ones, which seem to be made mainly by a series of interchangeable bands with short names beginning with “P” (Plone, Plaid, Plod, Pond, Poor et al). These bands play songs constructed around three-finger chords on £19.99 keyboards – I think some of them have only newly graduated from playing Axel F in Dixons with one digit.

Even worse than that are “techy” Warp bands – the likes of Autechre, Squarepusher and Boards of Canada. Give them a soldering iron and they think they’re the Aphex Twin. Yes, it is technically quite impressive that you’ve managed to wire a synthesizer to an Oric Atmos, via a Fairlight, a hoover and a blender. But no, the noise that comes out at the end is not even remotely musical (or interesting).

A plea for Warp in a language they might understand- BLOP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP, BLOP BLOP BLOP, BLOP BLOP BLEEP, BLOP BLOP BLOP, BLEEP BLOP BLEEP BLEEP, BLEEP BLOP BLEEP BLEEP. For those of you with a WAPphone, that’s “BOG OFF”.


  1. 1
    Holen on 8 Feb 2007 #

    What an arsehole, why don’t you go fuck off + die. And leave the internet alone.

  2. 2
    niall on 3 Mar 2007 #

    Like Bambi’s mother said, “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”.

    But as Holen says, why don’t you go fuck off and die!

    You are clearly an idiot and probably like artists like Meatloaf and Alanis Morissette. enough said

  3. 3
    CarsmileSteve on 3 Mar 2007 #

    note to Admin: is there any way we can make the bit that says “I HATE MUSIC” so big that people can’t miss it?

  4. 4
    Alan on 4 Mar 2007 #

    I’ve been worried about this for a while, but I don’t think people actually miss it.

    Note Tanya’s recent long Klaxons piece where she says in the body of the article “Now much as I HATE MUSIC (in capitals for the commenters who seem to still miss this basic point)” which is then followed up by a comment suggesting a trip to a MUSIC FESTIVAL.

    See also the Emo comments where the main article is opinion free, neither pro nor anti, but is still full of “the writer of this article doesn’t know what they are talking about”, or more commonly “teh fuckin wankr writa do’esnt kno wot their righting of”

  5. 5
    CarsmileSteve on 5 Mar 2007 #

    i suppose there’s nothing we can do (except laugh at them, obv) is there?

  6. 6
    Sarah on 5 Mar 2007 #

    but but but “LFO’s “We are back” sounds like someone being beaten to death with a sampler in a back alley by a Dalek.” sounds GRATE! Tanya = SELLOUT!

  7. 7
    jon sands on 8 Sep 2009 #

    guys, it was written by a woman. Explains everything, no need to fight about it.

  8. 8
    eatmyballs on 23 Nov 2016 #

    I actually found tanya’s post very funny especially the slagging off of LFO
    I’m a big fan fan of warp records bleepblipblapperry and have been since the early 90s. Lfo (mark bell) is a techno innovator and has made some pwopa good tracks.

    What you need Tanya is a few acid tabs down yer neck one night and a copy of frequencies to sort that nasty “ihatemusic-itus”

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