A difficult one this, as a member of another rock band writes asking me to criticise a group I have never actually heard. Where is the sense of musicianly community, I ask you? I write back, pointing out that my ears have remained happily unsullied by the M.B., and receive this in reply: “Do you not think the name is enough?”.

OK, yes, good point.

There is a band who call themselves the Monsoon Bassoon: that fact should worry you, readers. Now, I know very well that every band has at some point given themselves a name like the Monsoon Bassoon – that point is at 14 years old, when they are sitting around in the bassist’s bedroom trying to think up ‘mad’ names and wondering how they can get the singer’s big brother to score them some cider. The stupid name is thought of, adopted, and discarded a week later, after a band member has actually had to tell it to somebody else. End of story.

But not for the Monsoon Bassoon: they bypassed the ’embarrassment’ stage and have now released several singles and an album under what is, basically, the worst band name in the world….ever (apart from Phish). This leads me to suspect that the band are, mentally, still 14 years old. If so, what music might they make? An untutored racket alternating between pointless show-offy bits and sheer caterwaulings, topped with nonsensical lyrics intended to give the false impression that the singer has ever taken any drug stronger than Benylin, I’d guess. A swift check-up with my musical contacts confirms that my suspicions are accurate in every respect, but also dredges up one more piece of information which reveals the band to be not only fools but complete arses to boot.

They don’t even use a fucking bassoon.