Bob Dylan sucks. Period. Anything else I write after this would be superfluous, but such is my hatred for him that I’ll continue.

Bob Dylan is a monstrous man. He has a face that gives nightmares to small children. That he continues to live is a source of constant distress to me. The fact that I am forced to trudge the same earth as him makes me contemplate suicide on more than a daily basis. You’d think all of this was just personal, but it doesn’t end there. Bob Dylan is a “musician,” too. And he’s awful.

He wouldn’t know a melody if one bit him in the ass, waited for him to turn around, and announced, “Hi, I’m a melody!” His tunes are consistently dull and plodding.

And that voice! Christ! Someone put it out of its misery! If I was walking on the street, and I heard someone singing that sounded like Bob Dylan, I’d punch him in the face. He singlehandedly made it safe for any Joe Blow with an acoustic guitar and a reedy voice to, not only get a record contract, but to sell millions of records! Even with all of this progeny, there’s no one that even remotely sounds as bad as him. He makes Leonard Cohen sound like Sinatra; Lou Reed like Bing Crosby!

Supposedly, he’s a “poet.” This may very well be true, but you know what? Longfellow was a poet, but we haven’t been subjected to his Greatest Hits, now have we? Does Dylan honestly think his “poetry” is that much better than Longfellow’s that he needs to set it to musical accompaniment? Apparently, yes, the arrogant fuck. As the old argument goes, if I want poetry, I’ll go read some sonnets.

Lastly, let’s not forget that Dylan bred, and he had a son named Jakob. Jakob fronts a band called the Wallflowers. You know how, earlier, I said no one sounded as bad as Dylan? Well, someone does…and it’s his very own SON! GOD! I hate Dylan! Look at all he’s wrought! And for what? “Like A Rolling Goddamn Stone”? Fuck that!

Bob Dylan is another one of the reasons why I hate music.