Earlier in the year I either had a single hallucinogenic episode brought on by the cramped refrigerated conditions of the Boots ‘chiller’, OR – and this seems far less likely – Boots brought out a “tuna mojito” sandwich. I have photographic evidence but in the world of fake news what if FKA Twigs put it in there as REVENGE for my lack of comfort with her own delight in her explicit sexuality???*

Nonetheless I choose to believe both my memory and my solid evidence and believe in the tuna mojito existence. Because if it DID exist, then the world as we know it has changed beyond belief – at least in the realm of sandwiches! We can have a bloody mary sandwich (tomato bread! peppery filling! celery – ok no – the worst). A martini wrap which you have to shake or stir yourself? Olives could be involved! A mixed “Smarties” brand toastie could be added to the deserts section (would it make the bread rainbow coloured? I am desperate to know this and if you know the answer please respond with evidence in the comments thx). And then when it comes around to CHRISTMAS SEASON – wow – what could they POSSIBLY come up with!

Which is why I am a little DISAPPOINTED this xmas season that the Boots festive range is as Steady as it is. It is plentiful, but nothing completely mad in there. I believe the maddest is probably the M&S “Christmas Pudding Smoothie” – but how can it be left to M&S to out-crack the rest of the seasonal lunch offerings huh??
NONETHELESS because I am a brave little soldier it still seems worthwhile to try the biggest firepower offering, the FESTIVE TRIPLE: Turkey and Stuffing, Ham Hock and Plum Chutney, Cheddar and Red Onion Chutney. On with the review, even though it doesn’t contain any gingerbread sherbert, or Baileys infused mayonnaise, or cheese made from Orangina…

ITEM: BIG POINTS for Boots in their curse breaking efforts by omitting the dread CRANBERRY from this sandwich. Instead of cranberry there is “plum chutney”, and “red onion chutney”. Neither of these chutneys are particularly distinguishable to me and might as well be called “mild scraping of sugar goo”. If you must have anything which isn’t butter (or Vitalite – word to my vegans!) on your sandwich, and it has to be sweet (and for some reason isn’t tomato ketchup) then “mild scraping of sugar goo” is the best you can get. And it’s not CRANBERRY! The MSOSG is fine whether it’s matched with HAM HOCK or with CHEDDAR.

ITEM: it’s cheddar, not BRIE! Thank you Boots!! I love brie, but other cheeses remain available, despite the season! And an extra special shoutout goes to the sterling avoidance of the particular cheese based christmas horror which is “cheese with fruit bits in”. Especially CRANBERRIES – shudder. Not that any festive sandwich has yet dared take this step – if they did it would be war – but a pivot to cheddar is to be APPLAUDED in these challenging times. Tick!

ITEM: let’s talk about ham hock. Very popular in festive sandwiches this year. Why? Is it because gammon is somehow considered festive, despite the fact that NO-ONE eats it? READER(s)! If you eat gammon at Christmas please raise your hands in the comments and we can do a head count. Im guessing ham hock is an easier sell than just shoving a slice of gammon between two pieces of holly-flavoured bread (U&K QUESTION: what does holly taste like anyway? Is it poisonous? Can it be the chia seed fo 2018? Just wondering). And if you call it gammon then you MUST serve it with an egg (or pineapple if you are a BEAST) and ham hock veers away from this telling choice. Anyway, it’s just lumpy crumbly ham? It tastes fine.

ITEM: turkey and stuffing. UH OH! On checking my reference photo of the ingredients I note that the turkey one DOES contain a tiny bit of cranberry sauce. 2.5%, to be precise. Is this small enough to be negligible? I couldn’t identify it in particular, unlike the sopping drenched berry-festival from Pret. So cranberry haters can be relatively fine with this.

ITEM: BREAD. Malted bread. Sure! Sturdy enough, not that strange “fake toasted” that the “club sandwich” brigade tend to thiink is even a thing.

ITEM: it’s a triple sandwich. I like the symmetry of a the triple for a christmas sandwich. Eve, Day and Boxing. If I had to pick an order it would be: HAM, TURKEY, CHEESE. For full journalistic integrity I must report I ate them in the order given (an incorrect order) of TURKEY, HAM, CHEESE.

FINAL ITEM: temperature of sandwich. This is not a common review point to all sandwiches but it MUST be mentioned for Boots in particular. If you refer to the mojito wrap, you can see that it’s got so much condensation in it that I’m tempted to dob them in to Trading Standards for not including it as an ingredient. This sandwich, like all Boots sandwiches, was VERY COLD – but this worked for it! The cheddar can withstand a robust chilling, as can the turkey – the ham hock felt a little dried out, but given no-one really knows what ham hock is anyway, I think it gets away with it.

CONLUSION: who knew – the Boots triple sandwich is actually PRETTY GOOD! Combine it with the meal deal and you can even get an Orangina to go with it. I’ll be keeping a FIRM EYE on Boots in 2018 to assess the insanity/cocktail fusion levels, and perhaps next year we’ll see the eggnog foccaia?


*makes me want to put on an extra jumper. it’s my problem, not hers! good for you FKA twigs!