(This article was transcribed by me, Drake’s Dad, over a series of Sunday conversations. We counted evolutionary lines as a single Pokemon for space and patience reasons.)
151. MR. MIME (Mr. Mime)
CREEEEEEEEEEEP.
150. CHANSEY (Chansey)
Chansey is the reason you don’t see your Dad in the Pokémon games. He has been encased inside an egg by the evil KURT-INFLUENCED CHANSEY and you must use the powers of the MASTER BALL to catch it and rid it of its EVIL. Also I get it mixed up with Jigglypuff.
149-148. DROWZEE (Drowzee – Hypno)
Urrrrrrh there’s so many bad Pokémon, this is going to drive me insane!
147. JYNX (Jynx)
What were they thinking? I got nothing.
146-145. TENTACOOL (Tentacool – Tentacruel)
I have one thing to say about this guy – WHERE WATER TYPE POKÉMON GO TO DIE!!! Also he’s more annoying than Zubat.
144-143. OMANYTE (Omanyte – Omastar)
One word – why? I hate the fossil Pokémon. Why do you have to work so hard for such a bad Pokémon?
142-141. KABUTO (Kabuto – Kabutops)
Kabutops is actually good so that’s why he’s better than Omanyte but he’s still bad looking and too much work.
140-138. ABRA (Abra – Kadabra – Alakazam)
MOST. ANNOYING. POKÉMON. EVER! Waste of your time! He teleports every time, you have to catch him on the first go, it’s so annoying, aaaah!!!
137-136. PONYTA: (Ponyta – Rapidash)
I question how this pony is alive! It doesn’t even look good.
135-134. MAGNEMITE (Magnemite – Magneton)
Overly sized fridge magnet!
133. ELECTABUZZ (Electabuzz)
Overly sized power outlet! But he does look cool this time.
132-131. GROWLITHE (Growlithe – Arcanine)
Never used him, never will. He’s a waste of a Fire Stone!
130-129. PARAS (Paras – Parasect)
Paras should be burned with fire. That’s all I have to say.
128-127. DODUO (Doduo – Dodrio)
Dodrio has three heads. Each of them does the same thing… KILLLLLLL! It’s a mindless beast. Also it is cute in its first form so I like it slightly more.
126-125. JIGGLYPUFF (Jigglypuff – Wigglytuff)
The only reason they are so low is that Jigglypuff is a jerk. She makes you go to sleep and she could actually destroy the world if she wanted to. Scenario: you are rushing to get medicine to the president of Kanto and Jigglypuff does its special move to make you fall asleep and the world is thrown into chaos!!!
124-123. HITMONLEE AND HITMONCHAN (Hitmonlee – Hitmonchan)
Boxes, boxes, lots of boxes. They look like boxers, OK?
122-121. STARYU (Staryu – Starmie)
I got nothing. Misty’s gym is dumb.
120. FARFETCH’D (Farfetch’d)
This duck is very unhealthy. Do ducks even eat celery? OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH he uses it as a weapon. Wait – can a piece of celery even hit that hard?? OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!
119-118. SPEAROW (Spearow – Fearow)
The reason I hate Spearow and Fearow is that it’s just an exact rip of Pidgey. Spearow is really really thin and bad looking and his second form almost killed Ash’s Pikachu!!
117. PINSIR (Pinsir)
Copy of Scyther. Copy of Scyther. Copy of Scyther alert.
116-115. RATTATA (Rattata – Raticate)
Rattata is so bad, I don’t care about killing Blue’s Raticate! He doesn’t look cool and his second form is just an OK Normal type. I think Blue is smart getting this guy out of his team!!
114-112. CHARMANDER (Charmander – Charmeleon – Charizard)
I personally do not like Charmander that much, once you get past the third gym he rips through the rest of the game, nothing stands in his way. I get why a lot of people like him and why he’s so iconic and he does look cool, but we’ve had so many dinosaur Pokémon since and some of them look cooler, like Torterra. Get rekt Charmander.
111-109. ODDISH (Oddish – Gloom – Vileplume)
I don’t have anything to say about these guys, they’re just plants.
108-107. SEEL (Seel – Dewgong)
I don’t have anything to say about these guys, they’re just seals.
106-105. EXEGGCUTE (Execcute – Exeggutor)
I don’t have anything to say about these guys, they’re just eggs. BUT they did get their own island in Sun and Moon and it has the Moon/Sun Flute on it. Why? They will eat it!
104-103. HORSEA (Horsea – Seadra)
I don’t have anything to say about these guys, they’re just seahorses.
102. PORYGON (Porygon)
Porygon is a glitch created by… KURRRRRT. I wish I could put Missingno in this list instead but Kurt jokes are good enough.
101. MEWTWO (Mewtwo)
Mewtwo is so talked-about at this point, if someone didn’t know Mewtwo then they probably wouldn’t know who Miyamoto is. I mean he’s good but why do people talk about him SO MUCH? I still like his movie appearances. Please don’t hate me Mewtwo you big idiot!
100. AERODACTYL (Aerodactyl)
Aerodactyl is a dragon and he looks pretty cool. That’s why he’s higher up than the other fossil fools.
99-98. EKANS (Ekans – Arbok)
I like Ekans because you find so many of them early on, you think what’s the big deal, why are all these trainers getting all these Ekans? And then when you finally catch one it isn’t even that good. But then you evolve it into an Arbok and you’re like, so this is what they got them for! Arbok looks really majestic and he’s the iconic snake Pokémon of the 1st Gen mostly because of his appearance in the anime.
97-96. CUBONE (Cubone – Marowak)
This is the diabolical plot to separate two Pokémon. The creator? KURTTTT!!!!
95-94. PIKACHU (Pikachu – Raichu)
Pikachu is so talked-about he just gets really salty, his name is even in the dictionary, he would probably be higher up on the list if he wasn’t so popular. One of his best moments was when he almost evolved into his way cooler and less talked-about second form in the anime when they were fighting Lt Surge, and one of my fondest moments in Sun and Moon was levelling up Pichu into Pikachu since it took SO long and I was like Lt Surge, I just went straight to the store and bought a Thunder Stone so I could get my Alolan RaIchu!!
93-92. GOLDEEN (Goldeen – Seaking)
They’re too busy being a gold to be good.
91. TANGELA (Tangela)
This is pure darkness as well as blue string.
90-89. VENONAT (Venonat – Venomoth)
He looks kind of cool I guess.
88-87. VULPIX (Vulpix – Ninetales)
I’ve never used Vulpix so I don’t really have anything to say about him but his evolution looks shiny, that’s all.
86-85. ZUBAT (Zubat – Golbat)
I like Zubat because he gets a lot of hate but he’s actually really funny to play with. Scenario! Team Rocket are stealing a kid’s Pokémon (not Youngster Joey’s, he’s too strong!) and you use Zubat to confuse them so the kid can run away!
84-83. GRIMER (Grimer – Muk)
My Mum really likes these but they pollute and I like thinking about a disease that they would spread that turned everything into Muks. Scenario! Run away from the Muks! They’re…com….GLOOOOOP! MUK!!
82. ONIX (Onix)
Onix is Brock’s favourite Pokémon. Onix’s favourite Pokémon is Brock. But Kurt has corrupted his Onix and used the power of the GS Ball to end him so Brock Ash and me must use the power of… the…. MASTER BALL to capture Kurt and save the Pokémon!
81. KANGASKHAN (Kangaskhan)
Why no evolution? It’s literally the mother Pokémon!!
80-78. WEEDLE (Weedle – Kakuna – Beedrill)
Weedle, if it wasn’t for its third form, would be one of my least favourite Pokémon! But Beedrill is one of the best Bug-type Pokémon in the entire first generation!!! It’s a Bug-type which means it can stand up to Sabrina and maybe even Mewtwo!
77-76. SHELLDER (Shellder – Cloyster)
Great idea, especially Cloyster. They just don’t make shell-type Pokémon any more.
75-73. SQUIRTLE (Squirtle – Wartortle – Blastoise)
I don’t like Squirtle as much as Bulbasaur but I do like him more than Charmander. It’s another great showdown at the end with Blue’s Venusaur. Squirtle is kind of the opposite of Charmander, opposite types and Squirtle is better in the early gyms. But later it actually gets pretty challenging because he has a disadvantage against Electric and Grass. He also looks cool especially in his final form.
72-70. MACHOP (Machop – Machoke – Machamp)
Machop takes steroids and we know that because of Gen II. He can beat up Whitney’s Miltank! That is the definition of powerful. The only reason he didn’t get higher is because Fighting-Type Pokémon are really diverse like Mankey and Machop is kind of boring now.
69-67. CATERPIE (Caterpie – Metapod – Butterfree)
I like the sense of progression with Caterpie, he starts out really weak and you probably won’t use him for the first three gyms but by that point he will probably have evolved into a Butterfree, and that’s where the fun begins. Butterfree is really fun to play with and he has some good status moves like Sleep Powder. He also has some classic anime episodes like Bye Bye Butterfree.
66-65. SANDSHREW (Sandshrew – Sandslash)
I have almost nothing to say about this guy except for one thing. In the original games (not the remakes) there was this person in the first gym. He has a Sandshrew and I don’t think you can beat him if you’re like me and haven’t levelled up your Pokémon. It’s a really OP Sandshrew and it’s harder than Brock! (Pun)
64-62. BELLSPROUT (Bellsprout – Weepinbell – Victreebell)
Bellsprout is just a standard Grass type UNTIL THE GREAT JESSIE AND JAMES DISCOVER VICTREEBELL AND DEVOUR ASH AND PIKACHU WHOLE!! I like him and he’s a plant.
61-60. MEOWTH (Meowth – Persian)
Again, a very talked about Pokémon though he does have a good back story at least in the anime! I’ve used him once or twice in Sun and Moon.
59-56. EEVEE (Eevee – Vaporeon – Jolteon – Flareon)
Normal type, Water type, Electric type, Fire type. There’s been so many at this point I don’t have much to say about him except two things. Number 1 – very talked about! Number 2 – Number 2 – Number 2 – cool butt dumb.
55-54. DIGLETT (Diglett – Dugtrio)
Diglett is the result of a person fusing with a molehill. He is just a mole freak.
53-51. GEODUDE (Geodude – Graveler – Golem)
This is the result of a human fusing with a rock. He is just a rock freak.
50-49. KOFFING (Koffing – Weezing)
Koffing and Weezing are the result of poison fusing with a human fusing with a cloud. He is just a cloud freak. BUT his appearances in the anime are also good.
48-47. VOLTORB (Voltorb – Electrode)
Kurt’s hybrid Poke ball army! KURRRRRRRRT!
46-44. NIDORAN-M (Nidoran M – Nidorino – Nidoking)
Nidoking is so talked-about, I don’t like him that much for a similar reason as Pikachu. His other forms are also talked about and he doesn’t look as good and trustworthy as his counterpart Nidoqueen. But he is really powerful and I know why he’s so popular. You also get him really early on and it’s fun to smash Blue into oblivion with him.
43-41. NIDORAN-F (Nidoran F – Nidorina – Nidoqueen)
I like female Nidoran more than male Nidoran because everyone knows about Nidoking and so they never take the time to get Nidoqueen. She’s just as good and looks better and more kind so I like her more.
40-38. POLIWAG (Poliwag – Poliwhirl – Poliwrath)
I’ve not used him much but he does have a really good backstory in the manga, they expanded on him later with a new evolution and his design is pretty good too!
37-36. KRABBY (Krabby – Kingler)
Great anime appearance where Ash learns the fundamental rule of Pokémon, that you can’t have more than six in the party or Mummy will GROUND YOU.
35-33. PIDGEY (Pidgey – Pidgeotto – Pidgeot)
The reason I really like Pidgey is because he starts out like he has no real way to be a good part of the team but then you face Blue on the S S Anne (especially on Fire Red or Pokémon Yellow because of the colours) and you look at his Pidgeotto and you say “I really really want that!”. So you level up your useless Pidgey and then he turns into Pidgeotto, later on Blue gets a Pidgeot and the same feeling pops into your head again. So you level up your slightly less useless Pidgeotto and you get one of the most useful Flying types in the entire 1st gen! He also looks really cool.
32-31. CLEFAIRY (Clefairy – Clefable)
Clefairy is the exact opposite of something like Rattata. It’s good looking, hard to get and his evolution is super powerful. The only reason he doesn’t get higher than Bulbasaur is because you have more time to get to know Bulbasaur. That’s a bit unfair but I love crushing Blue’s dreams too much!!
30. SCYTHER (Scyther)
Scyther’s a bug dragon. He looks cool. I also like Scizor because he’s a crab.
29-27. GASTLY (Gastly – Haunter – Gengar)
They are Ghost-types and they are Chubby.
26-24. THE LEGENDARY BIRDS (Moltres – Zapdos – Articuno)
I don’t like the legendary birds much except for Articuno because 1. Chubby. 2. In my second favourite type (for now). 3. He also is the hardest to catch.
23. TAUROS (Tauros)
BEEEEFFFFFYYYY. Beefy the Pokémon. Also really strong! BEEFY.
22-20. DRATINI (Dratini – Dragonair – Dragonite)
First form – just a snake. Second form – a bigger snake. I like the sense of progression here. It starts out bad but then – a DRAGON???!!?? Also has a good appearance in the anime in the Mystery Of The Lighthouse and it’s also the only dragon type in the first Gen.
19. LAPRAS (Lapras)
Lapras is a turtle. I like turtles. Now what?
18. MEW (Mew)
Mew is an Arceus ripoff (OK it was foreshadowing) but he is still pretty cool and I’m jealous my brother has one. Luckily I have Arceus so I am more advanced. Ohhhh YAY-AH. I also like the under the truck rumour.
17. DITTO (Ditto)
Most overpowered Pokémon in the game! Scenario! The President of Kanto, after Jigglypuff put his Doctor to sleep, needs a heart transplant. BUT nobody has a will to do it. Then Ditto transforms into a heart!!
16-15. MANKEY (Mankey – Primeape)
I’m using this guy in my run of Fire Red and he’s one of the strongest guys in my team. I was expecting to get a Nidoran when I found him. He saved me early on when I was fighting Brock and he’s probably the only thing in my team that can take out Blue’s Charmander so far. He is also a pig monkey and I love pigs!!
14-13. PSYDUCK (Psyduck – Golduck)
Psyduck is really cool looking, he is the first duck Pokémon, and Golduck not being Psychic type was controversial because it set the trend for surprise types in Pokémon.
12.MAGMAR (Magmar)
(singing) Fire duck! He can spit flames! He is riding across the Thames!
11-10. SLOWPOKE (Slowpoke – Slowbro)
I actually had one of these in my team in Sun and Moon and I was really incentivised to battle Lusamine when I saw that she had imprisoned a Slowpoke. I fantasise that the player frees all the Pokémon at the end!
9-8. RHYHORN (Rhyhorn – Rhydon)
I like Rhydon because of how they expanded on him in X and Y. As well as Gogoat you could use Rhyhorn and Rhydon to get over rocky parts of the map. He’s also strong and he has a very cool design for a Rock-type Pokémon which are usually bland and lifeless.
7-5. BULBASAUR (Bulbasaur – Ivysaur – Venusaur)
It’s fun to play with him, it’s nice and challenging although it isn’t too bad due to his insane bulkiness, and the plumpness factor also comes in when he evolves into Ivysaur and Venusaur. It makes for a way more epic showdown with Blue at the end if he has a giant dragon. He’s also the first grass type starter and the first in the Pokedex!
4-3. MAGIKARP (Magikarp – Gyarados)
Gyarados is the pool of despair created by Magikarp’s revenge. You cannot escape it! Though the red one is very fascinating to random boys. Magikarp also can kill a human by leaping over a mountain and hitting them on the head. Magikarp, use Splash Z-Move! IT ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING!! An evil portal was opened up through…Magikarp’s revenge Splash!
2. LICKITUNG (Lickitung)
Lickitung for No.2 whatever he may do! He has a very big tongue and he’s chubby. I wrote this at a time when I was getting really weighted down by the amount of bad Pokémon. But Lickitung is just good. He is the Beacon Of Hope and he is the right hand man of our number one Pokémon….
1. SNORLAX (Snorlax)
Snorlax is a legendary. He’s really strong and people like bouncing on him. He’s also extremely EXTREMELY chubby. He has 1000 pounds of food a day!!! I know he’s the number one but I should have more to say about him…. KURT APPEARS!! Dur-de-dur-de-dur-de-de-dur!! Kurt transforms into MR MIME ! Snorlax uses BODY SLAM !!! Kurt avoids the attack ! Snorlax realises that he’s going to have to bust out his special Z-Move if he’s going to win. PULVERISING PAAAAN-CAAAAAAAKE!!!! Kurt is dead. And peace has returned to the world. And Snorlax gets a lifetime’s supply of food. And he is happy. So he goes back to sleep. End of the list.