It is time for me to get back in touch with The Kids, by listening to the UK Top 40 and putting it in order of how much I like it as I go. Best to worst.

  1. RUDIMENTAL ft JOHN NEWMAN – “Feel The Love” – Once upon a time my child there were dance tracks which did different things in one song and had surprises in / HAW HAW GRANDAD IS TELLING US OF THE OLD TIMES AGAIN. The bit where this turns into Dexys on the breakdown >>> the new Dexys album BTW. (I like the new Dexys album but that bit is GREAT)
  2. NICKI MINAJ – “Starships” – It could just be branding that makes me like this more than the grillion things which sound like it. But I don’t think so.
  3. SKRILLEX – “Bangarang” – BORAG THUNGG SKRILLEX. Thrill power overload! You only need 1 in 4 of his tracks though, such is the way of pop.
  4. D’BANJ – “Oliver Twist” – Hey, I like Beyonce too!
  5. DJ FRESH FT DIZZEE RASCAL – “The Power” – I realised during the Calvin Harris debacle that Dizzee’s voice just plain SUITS lowest common denominator cash grabs. It’s wrong, I know, I know, but it’s true. This sounds very much like 5ive if they could rap, i.e. great.
  6. CARLY RAE JEPSEN – “Call Me Maybe”
  7. PITBULL – “Back In Time” – This is exactly what a Men In Black soundtrack single ought to sound like, pop-rap fun for all ages and Pitbull as breathlessly enthused as a kid at Disneyland.
  8. JUSTIN BIEBER FT BIG SEAN – “As Long As You Love Me” – Post-prosperity gloomfest from Bieber, austerity has not yet touched the wobbly noise reserves tho.
  9. PROFESSOR GREEN ft RUTH ANNE – “Remedy” – I just enjoy Professor Green’s voice to be honest. He’s a cheeky fellow.
  10. KELLY CLARKSON – “Dark Side” – All the goodwill in the world to her, this builds splendidly on the verses into a disappointing CGI Perrygeddon chorus. Has a middle eight, a quaint old luxury that.
  11. KATY PERRY – “Wide Awake” – Speak of the devil! I like how she’s coming on like a grizzled veteran. Best song about not googling Russell Brand before marrying him ever.
  12. COLDPLAY FT RIHANNA – “Princess Of China” – A preposterous folly which my inner 50 quid man rather likes. Prog’n’B direction pls.
  13. FLO RIDA FT SIA – “Wild Ones” – Who will rid me of my strange affection for interchangeable EDM rap verses?
  14. AN ALGORITHM PRETENDING TO BE MAROON 5 – “Payphone” – For me this is the definitive version of “Payphone”. Maroon5_ebooks.
  15. TRAIN – “Drive By” – You like a Coldplay track and next thing you know… Sizeable chorus. Sounds like a creditable Danish Eurovision entry. It’s a slippery slope even so.
  16. AVICII – “Silhouettes” – The music’s not exactly prizewinning but Avicii at least sounds interesting, takes a different route from bosh’n’bellow.
  17. LOREEN – “Euphoria” – Still glad this won Eurovision ahead of whatever shite japesters were in the running. Unless they were Train.
  18. RIHANNA – “Where Have You Been?” – Give it a rest with those bloody synths!
  19. ALEX CLARE – “Too Close” – WUB WUB WUB, not down w/ his ‘bluesy’ voice though.
  20. DOT ROTTON – “Overload” – Should have done more with that sample really. Portentious stuff, we live in heavy times.
  21. NELLY FURTADO – “Big Hoops” – suddenly gets really good 30 seconds before the end. FFS Nelly.
  22. USHER – “Scream” – Not so bad when it’s sung well, this stuff.
  23. GOTYE ft KIMBRA – “Somebody That I Used To Know” – Good chorus but, I don’t know, his voice on the verses feels like he’s about to lick my ear.
  24. EMELI SANDE – “My Kind Of Love” – SRS BUSINESS, kind of sort of post-Adele? Bit too SRS for my liking.
  25. FUN. FT JANELLE MONAE – “We Are Young” – Amazingly the first time I’ve heard this! It is a lot cleverer than, say, Train, has more ideas, bags of character, it’s just really, really, really annoying me.
  26. TULISA – “Young” – What are the chances eh?
  27. RITA ORA ft TINIE TEMPAH – “RIP” – Tinie Tempah got super charmless quite quickly!
  28. TREY SONGZ – “Heart Attack” – Applying the big room filter to an R’n’B ballad is just so pointless.
  29. PALOMA FAITH – “Picking Up The Pieces” – chews her vocals too much for me to work out what’s wrong.
  30. THE WANTED – “Chasing The Sun” – Unintentionally comic effect as a bunch of lads try to do a soaring trance chorus and end up with the world’s politest terrace chant. If these lyrics were for the Stone Roses comeback single the fans would love it.
  31. LADY ANTEBELLUM – “Need You Now” – No problem w/this song at all but it’s old, grandpa. (I guess someone sung it on a TV show?)
  32. JESSIE J ft DAVID GUETTA – “Laserlight” – The theme of this is basically “Super Trouper” no? I like it when she goes “David G!” and there’s a 2-note synth solo.
  33. SOMEONE OFF THE VOICE – “Higher Love” – This is a good song, thankyou for reminding me of it Mr Off The Voice.
  35. CHERYL – “Call My Name” – An idea supervoid.
  36. CALVIN HARRIS ft NE-YO – “Let’s Go” – Criminal waste of Ne-Yo, would shame even Guetta.
  37. LABRINTH – “Express Yourself” – Labrinth NO put the sample DOWN it’s not yours. He has not yet lived up to the first three seconds (“Labrinth – COME IN“) of Earthquake. :(
  38. ED SHEERAN – “Small Bump” – His Wikipedia page has a section for philanthropy and he is clearly a very thoughtful person.
  39. LAWSON – “When She Was Mine” – What kind of boyband name is Lawson?! As in Nigella? God help us NIGEL? Rhythm guitar presets like wilted lettuce.
  40. GARY BARLOW AND THE MILITARY WIVES – “Sing” – No future.