Things I have never really understood.

a) Pies at football
b) People going to the toilet during a movie

Both of these are predicated on the same issue really. Football matches take less than two hours. They take place, usually, in the afternoon – cannily timed between usual meal times. And yet at half time there are queues for the pie stall you cannot believe. You would think they were knocking out tubs of Ambrosia (foor of gods not rice pudding) for the stampede for a piss poor Pukka. Can’t you wait or do you have to graze at every opportunity?*

Ditto, films are usually about two hours long. I was taught, post potty training, how to hold it in for at least that long. Perhaps you had a few beers beforehand, perhaps you are drinking a VAT of coke. Perhaps this will add strain but you only have yourself to blame. Nevertheless for NAMBY PAMBIES with peanut sized bladders there is now a useful i-Phone App. Introducing RunPee: an application that tells you the best time in a film to have a wee. HAS IT COME TO THIS?

So this app tells you when the dull bits are, what you’ve missed (since dull bits are often, you know, dialogue and how long you have before something good happens). You can even since a timer to the start of a film and have it notify you of the dull bits. BECAUSE THE ONLY THING MORE ANNOYING THAN SOMEONE LEAVING THE CINEMA FOR A PISS IS SOMEONE USING THEIR MOBILE PHONE JUST BEFORE.

In some ways this is an interesting development. It has clearly invented a new, piss friendly, way of reviewing films. (The example above would present a possible problem: what are the dull bits in Crank 2?) But really. If you cannot go two hours without have a whizz, then you shouldn’t really be allowed out of the house without a catheter.

*This rule does not apply to Cricket which is designed to drink and have a picnic, or baseball where the food poisoning associated with the hotdog is the only suspense you might get all night.