Hold on. How come there are books about high school vampires (the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer) for which people make SOCK PATTERNS and no-one has TOLD ME?

Bizarrely, these books are authored by a rather “keen” Mormon author, and don’t feature drinking, drugging or… s3xxxing? Hold on a second, but you know the whole vampire thing is massively… like… about…? SINKING FANGS INTO NECKS and so on? Apparently these series are big business in the US (apparently whilst magic is evil, vampires – providing they don’t booze or s3x0r – are fine!) and set to be huge in other territories. Now I love me some teen vampire trash but when written by a woman who allegedly hasn’t seen an R-rated film “on principle” – whut?

I admit I haven’t seen an R rated film myself – I still don’t QUITE know what it means! I thought it was the stage above 18, but apparently not! From FAN FIC, I have the following assumptions about RATINGS:

G: this is ‘U’. People occasionally look at each other and hold hands. Either dull or insanely fluffy. Can often contain lots of talk about FEELINGS, but then there is a crossover with R – see entry for “R”.
PG-13: boys KISS, if this is a PG rating then I am 1xmonkeys uncle d00ds – surely that would make it a 15 yes? Generally written in inappropriate fonts and purple text.
NC-17: = 18, although frankly given some of the FILTH out there it is probably XXXXX r4ted (but you don’t get that rating at the cinemas that I go to so it doesn’t count). Smut basically.
R: warning – here be EMO! Basically R means “your characters will be unhappy, angst a lot and there will be domestic abuse perhaps BUT ONLY BECAUSE HE LOVES HIM AND HE COULD NEVER BE WITH HIM”. The end scene is generally someone sobbing alone in the Cold Night Air. Either no w1nkies feature at all, or LOTS of w1nkies do. WTF. This rating does not exist in this country and frankly it baffles me, my dere. Can sometimes be smut, can sometimes be nuzzink. K-bizarre.

I’d rather read some of this vampire chicklit! Undead (And Unwed)! Now THERE’s vampire “fic” for you! *adds to wishlist* – seriously this is genius. GENIUS.