There are, and indeed have been, many reasons to criticise the film Jumper. Most have centred around it not being all that good. Which is I suppose a fair criticism and one which tries to level out some form of objectivity in a notoriously subjective discipline. The catch all sum of its flaws (listed below) does create a cloud of stinkiness which results in you leaving the film feeling that things were not as they should be. The plus point is the film is over in 88 minutes, which really is going to make it safe from being in the bottom ten next year. But here are a few of its flaws:

-Unsympathetic lead character
-Unmotivated bad guy
-Confusing special effects
-Jamie Bell bizarre accent
-An Expedia eye view of the world
-Bizarre unfleshed out parental plot (for not demanded sequel)

And so on. But none of these get to the heart of why Jumper is REALLY bad. And, as befits the film title, its about the clothes.

Namely, Hayden Christensen’s lead character wears one of MY T-Shirts for half of the film. Whilst I don’t seem to have a phto of me wearing it, I daresay other peoples flickr’s may. Nevertheless I think if you ask all my acquaintances what they think of when they see a faded black T-Shirt with a Volume Knob turned up to 11, its me who is fingered. ITS MY T-SHIRT CHRISTENSEN, and I don’t want your rubbish teleport movie sullying it. OK your version may be in Polish, but it is clearly the same T-Shirt, and he is clearly leaching on my already pre-established cool. Which he needs, being frankly vapid, rubbish and thoroughly unsympathetic, and having the same first name as the bird who jumps off of stuff in Heroes. He might as well be called Helena and just be a model.

Oh, and while yr at in, don’t think I haven’t seen you Jamie Oliver filming adverts outside my work, and YOU Benedict Cumbersnatch filming in my friends flats.