Why is pornography on the top shelf of a newsagents? Why are skin flicks on late at night? Why has Bob Dylan got a face that would scare off any babe-in-arms?


I also used to think this was why they kept ABBA records on the top shelf of a record store, until I realised that it was just a happy coincidence of alphabetisation. Nevertheless the western social contract appears to suggest that there are certain things that children should be protected from while they are at an impressionable age. So while I disagree that the legal drinking age should be eighteen (nothing binge like in my teenage gin experiments), it has had the happy upshot of saving our children from many live music venues. If you have to be eighteen to got to G-A-Y then maybe you will be spared the tawdry site of seeing Danii Minogue launch her thirteenth comeback.

Which is why the horror that is THE UNDERAGE FESTIVAL must be banned. Subjecting the impressionable childlike minds to a music festival is the worst thing that could happen to them. Except perhaps a music festival featuring Mumm-ra and The Pigeon Detectives. Woudl you allow you 14-19 year olds to go to Scientology Camp? Well!

What kind of idiots call it the Underage Festival in the first place? Surely the only plus point of drawing attention to the jailbait on offer is that it would be a be a sure fire way to get Gary Glitter and Jonathan King, not to mention the Bill Wyman All-Stars on the bill. Now I am not saying that the Tiny Dancers, Vincent Vincent and the Villains or the Mystery Jets are kiddie fiddlers (well maybe one of the Villains), but its not going to look good when they try and get a CRB check for their next career as a primary school teacher. And lets be fair, the members of I Was A Cub Scout aren’t going to be in a band for long.

Anyway, its not as if there aren’t hundred of kids at proper festivals like Glastonbury. Which I approve of. First of all it takes little Indigo and Space Pod away from our playground where their parents alternative lifestyle harms our own kids robust development. And secondly the idea of mud, rain, their parents weeping on space-cakes and amoebic dysentery becomes associated with music: putting them off for life. Indeed just seeing a scary leatherfaced band like the Who should do the job. Come to think of it, why isn’t Pete Townshend playing the Underage Festival? For research purposes obviously.