Regular readers of I Hate Music will know that I have little truck with science, unless I’m using it to blind Thomas Dolby. Science has consistently let me down: I have lobbied long and hard to prove the harmful effects of listening to music but the so-called ‘scientific establishment’ continue to ignore my pioneering work, claiming that my proposals are somehow “unworkable”. This is nonsense: the experiment which would have proved that beheading Lemar is more enjoyable than listening to him, for instance, is absolutely watertight.

Anyway my disillusionment has reached a new peak today, with the publication of an ‘online survey’ in which scientists purport to announce the “worst sound ever”. Their top three are: 1) Vomiting. 2) Microphone feedback. 3) Crying babies. What they DON’T tell you is that this survey was conducted online BY ME and their so-called results are a blatant falsification of the data I presented them with. “Microphone feedback” is a PLEASANT sound as it means that the microphone isn’t working. Crying babies are fine – it’s the lullabies that are the problem.

Under cover of some cock-and-bull story about forged ballots they have quietly edited the REAL top 5 worst sounds, which I exclusively present to you now.

5. Vomiting
4. The pitiful last bleatings of a dying lamb.
3. A busload of disabled children howling as they plunge over a cliff on a treacherous hairpin bend.
2. The sound of rats scratching at the sides of a coffin you have been sealed into by an arch-enemy.
1. Mika