Cats.
I hate Cats. I hate the Stray Cats, I hate the Pussycat Dolls, I hate the Love Cats by the Cure. But most of all I hate Cats the Musical. I hate Andrew Lloyd Webber, that is a given, but previously I cannot say I had been troubled by T.S.Eliot. But once his not very good poems were turned into lyrics, well suddenly the mans anagram made sense. This was toilets. Ironically the French word for Cat is Chat, pronounced Shat, which is exactly the process I imagine Richard Stilgoe and Lloyd-Webber’s music did to Eliot’s poetry. All over it.
One wonders why Cats was so popular. Was it the whimsical treatment of highbrow art. Was it a sentimental animal loving British public, soft in the head for cheapo spandex anthropomorphism? Could it be the heart rending (which one would imagine would be painful) rendition of Memories by Elaine Page? No it was none of these. Men took their wives to Cats so they could look at the nubile young dancers dressed up as Cats with barely anything on. In the dark days of the Eighties it was cheaper than going to a strip show, albeit more furry friendly. Of course they were often let down when they truned out and realised that the entire cast were actually dressed like the Cowardly Lion from the Wizard Of Oz.
Which brings us to Old Deutoronomy. The song suggests that he is an Old Cat. Taking the nine lives thing more than literally the track insipidly fits half arsed rhymes together whilst another dancer booted out of the RAD dons an extra pair of whiskers and gets to dance slowly for a bit. But looking closer at the lyrics you’d think it would be possible to note where Eliot leaves, and Stilgoe takes over:
Well of all things can it be really
No, yes, ho, hi, oh my eye!
My mind may be wandering but I confess
I believe it is Old Deuteronomy
But no. That ho-hi sub-Tolkein Tom Bombadil nonsense is in the original! Stilgoe is not responsible*. So not only do I hate music, I think I Hate Poetry now too. And ballet school dropouts with stick on tails. Cos I hate cats.
*For the theme tune to Finders Keepers and the lyrics to Starlight Express he still deserves a slow roasting in hell.