The Buzzcocks promo posterSometimes when daydreaming I imagine myself on University Challenge facing Jeremy Paxman. After dazzling him with my knowledge of all the botanicals in Bombay Sapphire, it comes to my least favourite bit: the music question. At which point he plays “Ever Fallen In Love With Someone“, which I interrupt almost instantly with the button in front of me to obliterate the music. Jezza doesn’t even have time to say “Headon, Life”, before you hear the Buzz and me saying COCKS!

That’s right, there may be a buzz in their name, but concentrate on the second half of the word.

Unlike many of their contemporaries, The Buzzcocks were well aware of the hideousness of their music. It is laid plain and simple in “Noise Annoys“. They are right, lots of noises do annoy, but very few have the potential for suicidal annoyance than a Buzzcocks record. AND THEY KNEW IT. Half arsed punk tunes with banal lyrics is all they came up with, that and a name forever to live in infamy as half of an appalling music based came show. Again BUZZ: Cocks!

But you need an example. Well okay. I don’t need my lyric microscope to eviscerate “Something’s Gone Wrong Again“. Let us examine the things which go wrong in this every day tale of not being capable to survive in the real world:

He tries to find a sock – Unfortunately it’s lost
He needs a shave – but unfortunately not only does he cut himself but he needs a new blade
He tried to fry an egg – but he breaks the yolk (which is apparently no joke, but he still could have scrambled it or turned it into an omelette)
He looks at his watch just to tell the time – but the hand’s come off. Which has NEVER HAPPENED TO ANYONE ELSE IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE. Shoddy watch or what!
He misses a bus. WOW!
He requires a smoke (cigarette) and uses his last 50p – what a pity the machine is broke. Thus saving him from smoking and unfortunately extending his lifespan slightly.
He turns up early in time for our date – but then his date turns up late. Not exactly sure what has gone wrong here.
He requires an alcoholic beverage so he goes to the pub – but the pub is apparently shut.
This is where I’ve had it with the self pitying bastards. Surely you know what time the pubs are open? Surely if a pub is closed unexpectedly you can go to another pub. I have been drinking in London for fifteen years and never has a pubs closure been able to stop me finding a gin and tonic. (Indeed closing certain pubs, like the Intrepid Fox, is almost a speciality of mine.)

Clearly the only thing that has really gone wrong in “Something’s Gone Wrong Again” is that they “wrote” the fucking thing. Yes, the tune and the words have all “gone wrong”. Everybody’s Happy Nowadays? Not while The Buzzcocks records still exist.