Oct 06

How clean is your band?

Do You See + FT/66 comments • 3,885 views

The discerning televisual fan will be aware of the vacuum currently residing in the schedules between the 7.30pm end of Hollyoaks First Look and the 9pm commencement of Ghost Whisperer. There are only so many times one can flick between Puff Daddy jiggling next to the Lead Pussycat on TMF and the startlingly abhorrent animated pig on Hits!TV.

But there’s no need to wear out the remote! For a gleaming nugget of programming genius lies buried beneath the disappointing Dog Borstal on BBC Three. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: Grime Scene Investigation.

This superior alternative to Kim and Aggie sees our intrepid (and charming) host Rufus Hound (!) pull up his enormous GSI lorry outside the filthy hovel belonging to Bristol metallers Hooligan Swamp. The ‘Swamp are everything a metal band should be – piercings, pet tarantulas, questionable personal hygiene. Their flat does not disappoint. Chief scientist Anthony and his menagerie of cleaning ladies (the “Ant-oinettes”) barge upstairs armed with swabs, petri dishes and a high-tech microscope. “This has come all the way from Japan, and it’s the first time it’s ever been used in a TRUCK!” bellows Rufus.

After swabbing the tarantula with appropriately menacing incidental music, Rufus appears determined to find “the GRIMINAL” – the filthiest member of the band. The drummer has an “unprecedented” 20,000 different types of bacteria on his drumsticks, but guitarist Jim wins the overall honour of Death Metaller. “Filthy room, filthy feet, wipes his arse on BREAD! This is one Jim it’s not healthy to visit!” warns Rufus. “I don’t like to use the word ‘mental’, but this is MENTAL!” The band is more concerned about the fact that faecal matter has been found on the PS2 controller. “It’s the work of the midnight poo bandit!” claims bassist Chud.

We leave Hooligan Swamp in a celebratory mood, a mixture of pride and self-disgust. Rufus is more incredulous. “What possessed them?” he asks, before his eyes glow a synthetically demonic red. “Or WHO? Mwahahahaha.”


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  1. 31
    Rufus Hound on 29 Oct 2006 #

    Hmm.. Angryman…

    Obviously I’m paying to have him killed, but you have to admit, he writes awfully well.

    Just to check something else as well – should I keep posting stuff here, or not?


  2. 32
    Tom on 29 Oct 2006 #

    Yes! This has been the most entertaining comments thread since Why I Hate Indie Kids!

  3. 33
    Kat on 1 Nov 2006 #

    I feel somewhat traitorous for going out and socialising last night instead of staying in to watch GSI (and Ghost Whisperer)!

  4. 34
    Tim on 1 Nov 2006 #

    Kat: you’ll never guess what happened in TGW.

  5. 35
    Kat on 1 Nov 2006 #

    Did she help a ghost who had just recently got married and then had a miscarriage resolve still-alive husbands guilt? Whilst being PERKY?

  6. 36
    Tim on 1 Nov 2006 #

    No she helped a dead, neglected boy of a professional mum work through his feelings of rejection and abandonment. The mum was forced to face up to the fact that she had been an bad mum because she worked and didn’t mum enough. She promised not to be like that with her current baby daughter, prompting ghost boy to go into the light. SO DIFFERENT.

    TGW really is just the Waltons, it’s grebt.

    Predominant JLH mode was caring-perky this time, she nearly managed stern when geistboy was getting a bit poltery. Got close.

    (The one you mention was in the last seies I think, with the lady in the hospital scrubs.)

  7. 37
    Tim on 1 Nov 2006 #

    More on topic though: I enjoyed the last GSI I saw, which was the one with the Welsh ladies getting into carrier bags, but I have lived with cleanfreaks and the show seemed to me something of a NEUROTIC GERM OBSESSIVE’S CHARTER.

  8. 38
    Rufus Hound on 2 Nov 2006 #

    Dear Tim,

    I s’pose it could look a bit that way – certainly if you were a bit of a clean freak to begin with, you’d have a barrel full of ammo after watching GSI, but that’s not really the point of it.

    It’s a bit more general than that. The point of each episode’s to focus in on one thing we could all do that’d contribute to our well being.

    So, with the Hooligan Swamp show it was “Wash your hands after you’ve been for a shit, and clean your house once in a while (hardly rocket science for most, but this was what was probably making Jim sick). With the two fella’s in Preston it was “Bear in mind what dogs are carrying around on their feet”. The Surfers and Skaters program it was to show what should be happening in our kitchens (Basically the rules that restaurant kitchens have to follow to keep their patrons safe. Not letting food rot (by keeping a nice cold fridge), being careful when they’re handling raw meat etc.

    The list goes on. Now, obviously I like to make it all sound quasi-apocalyptic (“Oh my god! They’re all gonna die!”) but it’s meant to be bit more tongue-in-cheek and fun than a charter for the obsessive compulsive community.

    In fact, Anthony’s advice is always really basic. It’s things like “Use soapy water, as hot as you can stand, to clean your kitchen” or “If you’re getting a bit sneezy at night time, try hoovering your mattress”. I know that Anthony’s dead against using anti-bacterial lotions and potions everywhere (and he’s almost fetishised laminate wood flooring, but that’s for another time).

    Enough rambling on. Basically, our show’s meant to solve a few mysteries for people who are having health problems, and for me to prance about in a fancy suit, over-exaggerating everything to make you laugh.

    Glad you enjoyed the Welsh ladies in carrier bags. This week’s show has a posh lady in a carrier bag, so hopefully you’ll enjoy that too.

    Oh, and have you all seen this? It’s very rude but VERY funny.

    Peas Out,


  9. 39
    CarsmileSteve on 2 Nov 2006 #

    oops sorry rufus, you got caught up as spam there for some reason…

    i thought the main point of the surfers/skaters one was FOR GOD’S SAKE, DON’T PISS IN THE SINK, YOU ANIMAL, wasn’t it?

  10. 40

    note for admin: spam-filter seems allergic to VERY LONG comments

    (there is nothing wrong with VERY LONG comments — why, i make them myself sometimes and SPAM-FILTER GOES ALL PUFFY AND BLOCKS THEM)

  11. 41
    Alex de Mora on 2 Nov 2006 #

    Mr Angryman,

    With regards to your rather fabulous, researched (I trust you know what it all means) and extended vocabulary and your ill wishes towards Rufus, the Antoinettes and my ‘Rock’ band, I would like to introduce you to a few words from my preferred lingo on behalf of all of Hooligan Swamp:


    Kind Regards


    p.s. after all that effort, you spelt ‘rising’ wrong…WANKA!

  12. 42
    Marcello Carlin on 2 Nov 2006 #

    “Mr Angryman” is a very poor Rog Vector impersonator.

  13. 43
    Dr Fact on 2 Nov 2006 #

    Hi all, it’s taken me a while to find you all but the doctor is now in session

  14. 44
    Rufus Hound on 3 Nov 2006 #

    “CarsmileSteve on November 2nd, 2006

    i thought the main point of the surfers/skaters one was FOR GOD’S SAKE, DON’T PISS IN THE SINK, YOU ANIMAL, wasn’t it? ”

    To be honest, that was more the defining factor as to who was “The Griminal” as it’s clearly fairly rank – but as most people watching at home are unlikely to whizz where they sleep (like a weasel does), then the message was more about kitchen hygiene.

    But that having been said, were anyone considering having a little tommy tinkle next to their bed then you’re a fu**ing mongrel.

    Anyways, for anyone unfamiliar with Planet GSI, Dr Fact is none other than the Marquis of the Microbe, Dr Anthony Hilton.

    Yep. We’ve pretty much GSI’d this mutha up.

  15. 45
    Angryman on 3 Nov 2006 #

    Dear Mr Swamp,

    It was with further consternation that I read your recent frippery regarding my insightful analysis of said Grime Scene tommyrot. I must apologise for my occasional excursion into exploratory grammatical idions and fallacious diction. Such are the wages of recalcitrance.

    I must also add that I am somewhat superannuated by powerful mediaction owing to a long standing malady and a frequent victim of attacks of the vapours.

    I must however rebut you however in the most staunch fashion regarding my supposed canine ‘hairiness’ as I pride myself upon my hirsuite economy of said cilium.

    May I riposte that you sir are nothing more than a high scoring name in Scrabble. Undoudtably, the ability to ‘rock’ is seemingly prized above all in our society at present, more is the pity. But I must posit that you sir are a rapacious ninny and serial fornicator.

    I hope that you will forgive my furious prose and we that may go forward at some point in a renewed spirit of brotherly love without the need for further thrashings.

  16. 46
    Weasel on 3 Nov 2006 #

    Ball to the coordinating, praise much go to the research efforts. Stunning casting I think you’ll all agree.

  17. 47
    Alex de Mora on 3 Nov 2006 #


    You got one thing right about me:

    “serial fornicator”

    Yeah boy! You’ve obviously done your research! Or caught one of us in bed with your missus!

    Sexy time!


    p.s. do you work for dictionary.com?

  18. 48
    Kat on 3 Nov 2006 #

    This thread is becoming more incoherent by the day! Keep it up, boys!

  19. 49
    Marcello Carlin on 3 Nov 2006 #


  20. 50
    Rufus Hound on 7 Nov 2006 #

    Right – I’m going for a full-on, balls out, blog style posting on here. I’m bored of looking at this page and no-one having typed anything.

    I’m on my way back on the train and GET THIS I have broadband. ON THE FUCKING TRAIN.

    We live in the future.

    Anyways, I am coming back from Durham (I set off at 2.00pm from my house in London, did a night’s work in Durham and am now on the train home)and am listening to my new iPod , which is shuffling through the music that I’ve had time to load into iTunes over the last few days. So far I’m onto the F’s which is okay, as so far on this trip I have enjoyed some Ash, Badly Drawn Boy, Be Your Own Pet, Chaz and Dave, Detroit Cobras and Eels amongst others.

    I had to cheat a bit when I was loading my CD’s into the iTunes library, so I’ve got some Muse and Tenacious D on there as well, coz I just couldn’t face leaving the house without some.

    So, now as I wend my way through the black nothingy bit of the UK between Peterborough and Kings Cross, I’m bored and using the internet but the longer this goes on, the more I realise that I should have had something to say, rather than just writing for the sake of it.

    Oooh, I know something. This scissorhands gubbins is on for two weeks, then we’re back with rugby playing ladies, then students, then B-boys and B-girls. By which point we’ll actually have started filming series two.

    Actually, that’s a point – anyone got any requests for series two? Slap it up here, or email me.

    Right, we’re in Stevenage now… ooh, just leaving. Right I’m going to fuck off. I’m boring myself.

    Have you done something with your hair? It looks great.



    After all that, I went to hit “Submit Comment”, and my pre-paid time had run out. What a twat.

  21. 51
    Alan on 7 Nov 2006 #

    Give the man a login!

  22. 52
    Alex de Mora on 7 Nov 2006 #

    I request that in series 2 we turn the tables on the “Guv’nor” and check out your shag pad Rufus! What kind of little lovelies would we expect to find there?!

  23. 53
    Kat on 7 Nov 2006 #

    Investigate Kim & Aggie!

  24. 54
    Dr Fact on 8 Nov 2006 #

    I think we should do an episode on porn stars. That or shopping trolley handles; whichever is easiest.

  25. 55
    Dr Fact on 10 Nov 2006 #

    Maybe I spoke too soon?

  26. 56
    Dr Fact on 15 Nov 2006 #

    Where the hell has everyone gone?

  27. 57
    CarsmileSteve on 16 Nov 2006 #

    aw, poor Dr Fact, all alone.

  28. 58
    Kat on 16 Nov 2006 #

    The fickle world of blogging has moved on. *sniff*

  29. 59
    Rufus Hound on 17 Nov 2006 #

    It’s true. Everyone’s stopped posting. We’ve all moved on. Or just feel a bit heartbroken.

    Series Two has just been de-commissioned.

    Yup. The filming we WERE going to be doing is now just a willow-the-wisp. A televisual futureshock masquerading as a collective memory.


    So instead of making more quality broadcasts, Dr Fact and The antoinette’s are back in Aston, doing their real jobs. Papa J is back teaching and supporting less able electronmicroscopists, and I, well, I’m drinking fairly heavily.

    Since I last posted, I’ve lost this job, sacked one of my agents and broken up with my girlfriend of the last four years.

    So, if you have a killing spree planned and need someone to carry the guns, myspace me. I’ll even chip in on the cost of the ammo.

  30. 60
    Alan on 17 Nov 2006 #

    Any more Best Man’s Speech?

  31. 61
    Pete Baran on 17 Nov 2006 #

    Sad to hear that Rufus. I bet the BBC will be sorry when one of the people scheduled to be in the next series dies of e-coli caught from their own foot.

    And remember the answer you are looking for is not in the bottom of a pint, it is it the top of the next drink.

  32. 62
    Kat on 17 Nov 2006 #

    Noes! Poor Rufus. We shall miss you and your innuendously huge microscope…

  33. 63
    Rufus Hound on 5 Dec 2006 #

    So, the last one goes out tonight, and that’s your lot. If you did enjoy the show, then brilliant. You were in esteemed (if minimal) company.

    Oh, and if you contributed to the board here, then cheers too. It’s been a blast.

    I hope you all have a Very Merry Christmas (unless you don’t want one) and I’ll see you out there.

    Hound x

  34. 64
    Loveface on 23 Feb 2007 #

    Mister Hound,
    I would like to tell you here and now that i had the very best of Christmases and it was all becuase of you so i accept the challenge of many more.
    LF x

  35. 65
    Alan on 17 Nov 2008 #

    Someone should post something about Argumental to lure back mr hound

  36. 66
    Pete Baran on 18 Nov 2008 #

    The FT line on Argumental is clear, and can probably make a half decent article (JS RF good: MB Bad). I’ll put it in the queue.

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