I went to see THE ROLLING STONES at Twickenham Rugby Stadium on Tuesday night. We were as far away from the stage as it was possible, really actual row ZZZZ. However due to the three storey high diamond vision screen it was still possible to make out what was going on.

what was going on:

1. jagger wiggling his arse like a 20 year old and almost not looking completely ridiculous
2. ron wood has precisely NO body fat at all
3. charlie just kind of sits there seemingly putting no effort in, but is still tight as anything
4. keef has the beginnings of a belly, hahaha
5. no one knows who the bass player is and he only appears on the screen when one of the others is walking past him (best job in the world or worst, discuss?)

Seriously though, there was absolutely nothing wrong with the show, every second of it was PURE STONES. They did like 5 songs in two hours that I didn’t IMMEDIATELY, PRIMALLY recognise and two of them involved keef singing whilst jagger emptied his colostomy bag had his radio mic fitted.

Also as I was sat there I was looking at the stage set-up and it had big runways either side of the stage and big runway through the middle of the crowd about 60 metres long and I was toying with some sort of heavily convoluted sex-based metaphor about jagger teasing the sides of the audience before plunging into the middle etc. HOWEVER, because this is THE ROLLING STONES, all metaphors are useless and redundant as halfway through the gig, the ENTIRE MIDDLE OF THE STAGE ROSE UP and chugged the whole band into the middle of the stadium. it was a beautiful thing only topped by the (one song only) encore, an only slightly extended version of Satisfaction, with loads of pyros/flames/flashing lights etc, that finished with a NO BULLSHIT buddle-dum from charlie, no musical histrionics, just bang, finished. amazing.