Finally saw Dead Man’s Chest last night. Enjoyed on the whole the loud, whizzy nonsense whilst walking out with a car load of issues. These are not issues which are going to overly concern me, but – daer raeder – if you can answer any of these question (from nitty gritty to philosophical) plz use the comments boxes:

1) Do these pirates ever do any pirating? I know its almost an in-joke in the film, but looting, pillaging? Any time now please.

2) What do the third, fourth and fifth row of teeth in the Kraken’s mouth do?

3) Have all the bad guys from the first movie (Jack Davenport, Geoffrey Rush – even Crook and co) been resurrected and restored to a similar sort of status quo? What was the point of the Curse Of The Black Pearl again?

4) What –  no Hey, Hey We’re the (Undead) Monkees joke?

5) Bill Nighy. Got him in for the blue eyes then?

Kraken - Awake and ready to Boogie6) Davy Jones. Yes, yes, yes – unrequited love. Yes, yes – troth heart to sea. Yes, Heart in box. WHY??? (And wouldn’t, you know, keeping heart somewhere closer at hand be smarter. LIKE IN YOUR CHEST. ACTUAL CHEST. NOT ONE ON AN ISLAND).

7) The East India Trading Company seem a bit far from home. Also whither a map of the Caribbean which other correspondent pointed out, you forget the film is even set in.

8) “Would you go to the ends of the earth to save his life?” Er, no he was just snogging my bird / I just killed him / he was a bit of a rubbish Captain wot never gave us anything shiny. Also – film seems to acknowledge in GIANT MAP ON GOVERNOR’S WALL – lack of World’s End.

9) One wonders a touch about the racial undertones of the canibles and their making Jack Sparrow / making a Dog King antics.

10) Davy Jones is some sort of Squid-blerk. He is alive, though his heart is elsewhere. Who is the Dead Man who owns the chest?

11)  Why did they not reproduce THIS iconic shot? I waited all film for it.