Having spent some time away from culture on my epic round world trip, and with new look FreakyTrigger demanding more of their star writer, I decided to go and see a film. Admittedly I went to see a film which might give me new tips in my relentless war against music – in particular how to hound particular music fans. Now I am not here to comment on the paedophilia aspects of the film Hard Candy, except to note that as a gathering of wrongdoing music has had its fair share of convicted paedophiles. Not to mention the ones which everyone slapped on the back and said was a bit of a rogue for marrying a fifteen year old girl (Il est un rock star, if you know what I mean). But I was impressed by the technique used by the young girl to ensnare her middle aged kiddie fiddling prey.

Apparently when paedophiles use the internet to groom their prey, you may get some discussion of pop music: you know the kind of “OMG – Grills Aloud r the best, I like Tweedy” nonsense that seems to be the foundations of the web these days. Middle aged men will feign to like any teen pop sensation as a way of breaking down barriers legally instilled. Apparently knowledge of the Arctic Monkeys supposedly makes you seem less like a old fogey after illegal jolly’s (to me it’s a big red fucking flag). But in the film Hard Candy, Ellen Page’s character works this trick in reverse: by pretending to like Goldfrapp to ensnare her paedophile. And it works a charm. Because if there is one band a parasite on the warty arse of society would like, it’s the no-fun, anti-pop equation that is the “Vivienne Westwood of pop’s” band. (You don’t even need to squint hard to make this one work.)

Vivienne Goldfrapp Alison Westwood

 No teenager worth their salt would be fooled by the robo-loops and bored delivery of Goldfrapp, they would rightly point out the dull poseur chic as a band for people who want to like pop music but don’t know what it is any more.

Exactly the same reasoning lies behind them getting the theme tune to the next Bond film gig. Like Garbage before them but without such an easily decoded name, the Bond producers think that Goldfrapp will lend them the air of a latter day Shirley Bassey. A strong woman yelping over the writhing nudies to countermand accusations of sexism. Though you have to remember that these are both bands where said strong women are up front solely due to being ginger haired and over-kholled, and all the music is made by ugly men standing behind them. Goldfrapp are useful for one thing only, grooming middle-aged so-called music fans on the internet.

I have to admit, I cheered when Page’s character said she could not stand Goldfrapp in the film. A girl after my own heart! And I like the films poster: though I imagine Alison Goldfrapp in the trap instead. And it snapping.