Not a great Eurovision, though it’s a reliable safe port if you want to escape the storm of the post-punk revival. (Doing the Stylus singles this week – I had no idea how widespread it was, Jesus H, it’s like the CGI gas mask plague on Dr Who, even Daniel Bedingfield is making post-punk. Is anyone actually making any money out of this??)

Anyway watching Eurovision, especially watching it with lots of drink and ribs to hand, can lead to memory loss when the votes come round. 12 points to Denmark – now, were they the fire poi trio or the midget twins? So here are the real actual unexpurgated notes taken by the Seven Sisters jury at our party yesterday:

“Hungary – Irish monotrouser.
UK – poor Janine
Malta – plump balladry
Romania – STOMP-y tits
Norway – RoXoR!
Turkey – Very Turkish
Albania – Boring folk tat*
Cyprus – Crouching drums hidden women
Spain – Witchcraft, skirts, RAP
Israel – Cleavage ballad
Serbia/Mont – Hollyoaks extras
Denmark – pink skirt, awful Ronan**
Sweden – Neon chorus
Macedonia – smackable bloke
Ukraine – Ukranian senser
Germany – Ein Nein-Blonde
Croatia – Danube Danube fucking Danube
Greece – overrated trollop
Russia – Do the Americans love their children too?***
Bosnia – Eurovision rockism
Switzerland – Leather and lace
Latvia – :( (sign language) (DO YOU SEE)
France – cheese dress****

*(may be “boring folk tart”)
** Keating, not Fitzgerald
*** not actually what I wrote down but Emma’s good joke
**** no, I don’t know either.

Overrated trollop won by a league from plump balladry. Very useful tip for UK: Switzerland, despite having no natural allies in Europe, picked up a lot of points by importing Estonians. Time to swallow our pride and bring on the Lats.