ULTIMATE POP STAR last night on Channel Four is just the type of Lists Programming I like – based solely on COLD HARD SALES FIGURES instead of the general poll of the Kate Thorntons of this world. Along with the sheer JOY that comes with the fact that scientifically Shakin’ Stevens are better than Oasis, comes the GUT WRENCHING AGONY that makes every part of my body scream out in pain, even my TONSILS that were removed when I was a wee slip of a lass at 8, when you find out that Oasis are better than DIANA ROSS. But yet, what can you do, apart from drink your red wine and feel that the gulf between you and humanity has slipped yet another inch?

I tell you what, you can sit through to the very bitter end, and then you’ll find out that Cliff Richard is the best pop star of all time. This came as a complete non-shocker to me, after all the sod won’t go away will he. Cliff’s appearance however was massively entertaining. I played a game with myself called “Oh No, Not the Millenium Prayer!”, which thankfully I won. The programme also played us Cliff’s original of “Livin’ Doll”, which I listened to for about 10 seconds being utterly confused as to why it didn’t sound like the Young Ones version. Tom, can this go up for a GLORIA please?

The best moment of the entire show howevever, was a 5 second clip of “Physical” by Olivia Newton-John. What no Xanadu?!