Forget this “singles” nonsense! The “kids” today rate their “pop” based on one thing only – how does it sound coming out your PHONE when you get a call and your “mates” are listening! Thanks to the magic of the Interweb and it being my job currently to piss about on mobile sites I can bring my pop critic skills to bear on the current Top Ten – in RINGTONE FORM! (Plus proper objective ratings!)

10. PAUL OAKENFOLD – Starry Eyed Surprise – the ringtone may be modern in tech but it is essentially conservative in form, i.e. it rewards those tracks which have proper tunes! Or at least riffs. The six-note repeated intro riff of “Starry-Eyed Surprise” sounds pretty good on a ringtone – it keeps the rhythm of the actual record and is recognisable and also sounds a bit like a normal phone ring so people might not know you’ve downloaded a ringtone. Unless they’ve watched TV in the last six months. ***

9. NICKELBACK – Too Bad – I am not lucky enough to have heard “Too Bad” but this ringtone with its odd inability to keep in any sort of time reminds me poignantly of my early piano lessons. Even if you really liked Nickelback it sounds like something you tried to program in yourself: bad news. *

8. MAD HOUSE – Like A Prayer – You can recognise the tune but the odd pause between each phrase rather spoils things. Has the advantage that people will think its a Madonna ringtone. ***

7. ABS – What You Got – The Abs tune is great of course but this has the enormous advantage of being an “Uptown Top Ranking” ringtone! Yes! It’s a bit of a shit one, but the principle’s the thing. ****

6. DARIUS – Colorblind – proper tune alert! Memories of the original immediately come flooding back – unmistakable and good value if you’re a Daz fan (and who isn’t?) *****

5. MS.DYNAMITE – Dy-Na-Mi-Tee – The whole point of this song is its four-note hook, and the ringtone reduces it to three, and then turns the rest of the chorus into a jaunty Carphone Warehouse ad. If you had this on your phone you would look a right tool. *

4. TRUTH HURTS – Addictive – How does a ringtone cope with 2 tunes playing at once? It doesn’t. This tone plays the same note twelve times and then does a kind of minor-key car horn thing. Useful only if you are a Sphinx and need an impossible riddle, i.e. “What is this meant to be then?” *

3. SUGABABES – Round Round – Unaccountably this (very long – VFM!) ringtone slows the chorus down, giving it a play-in-a-day-the-Sugababes-way vibe. But it gets the notes right at least. ***

2. BLAZIN’ SQUAD – Crossroads – And this one speeds the tune up so you get Chipmunk Squad! ‘Ardkore! Underlines that the chorus is not the best thing about “Crossroads” by any means. **

1. ATOMIC KITTEN – The Tide Is High – and it was going so well until it tried to syncopate on the “I’m not the kind of girl”! Other than an unfortunate rhythmical lapse this does the business and is no doubt a top seller among the Ringtone Massive. ****

The site I’ve been using (part of the, ahem, Sony Style Club) updates its ringtones every week so if the readers demand it this can be a regular feature! Over to you…