As a kid I only read British comics (Beano, Dandy, Topper, Beezer, Sparky et al), and never graduated to — or really understood — Marvel or DC. They were too vast in conception to catch up with, I felt: too big a universe, filled with too much backstory. As a consequence I only recall two ministories, a Spiderman vs Doctor Octopus which ended on a cliffhanger as the latter hefted one of those water-coolers that sit on top of New York buildings at the former OH NOES, and a Silver Surfer spread where this gentleman floated unconscious in space while a squamous and bubbling mucous-beast crawled though a mirror from an eldritch dimension into an empty (excuse alliteration) marbled mansion OOOOH NOOOOOES. So anyway, I didn’t get much of a bead on what Superheroes were like as people. Lately I have embarked on a study of same — for other purposes eventually to be revealed (possibly) — and have drawn up a table, based on Iron Man1&3, The Hulk (second half only), Capt America, Thor, and Avengers Assemble.
At-a-glance guide to male Marvel character qualities:
Arnim Zola: . . . . . . . . a d!ck
Captain America: . . . a d!ck
Emil Blonsky: .. . . . . . a d!ck
Hawkeye: . . . . . . . . . . a d!ck
Iron Man: . . . . . . . . . . a d!ck
James Rhodes: . . . . . . a d!ck
Loki: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . a d!ck
Mandarin: .. . . . . . . . . a d!ck
Nick Fury: . . . . . . . . . . a d!ck
Odin: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . the alld!ck
Phil Coulson: .. . . . . . . a d!ck
Red Skull: . . . . . . . . . . a d!ck
The Hulk: . . . . . . . . . . tries not to be a d!ck, fails
Thor Odinsson: . . . . . not a d!ck
Notes:
1: various male characters of lesser screen time (or non-humanoid structure) not included; plz quiz Hazel on same (she says: all d!cks except Volstagg and Hulkling who isn’t in the films anyway).
2: No one included from the Fantastic Four or X-Men or Spiderman movie franchises, since there it’s hard to separate bad writing from being a d!ck (they are all d!cks, but the evidence merely on-screen and in-script is blurred and boring)(I am not going to read the comics obviously.)
3: Hence, as Tom pointed out when I first debuted the table yesterday, “this fine collection… will never get to interact with the godfather of Marvel Universe d!ckery, Reed Richards” (Hazel: RR is “the ILX of superheroes, the Pitchfork hip hop review of science”)
4: Hulk summary slightly adjusted after accurate protest from Kat.
5: All this also sorta ties in with an essay I made notes for, years ago, about Joss Whedon’s Firefly. Which in boiled-down form (hurrah!) was that where Buffy was a study of various types of strong women, Firefly broke no new ground here, and was really (as per its roots in the classic Western) about modes of masculinity. And that Whedon’s basic thesis is: men, gotta love em, but they’re all d!cks.
6: (I do love the men in Firefly, the worse the better — Jayne! — but even Wash and Book are in fact d!cks).
7: WHERE DO YOU STAND?