FT

10
Jan 18

The Freaky Trigger Readers’ Poll 2017: #30-#21

FT11 comments • 504 views

heroHullo! I’m Hero, the naughty hedgehog mascot of the 2017 World Athletics Championships. You thought I was mute, didn’t you, just because I was holding up all those Bangface-style signs? In fact I was merely SILENCED by the authorities. Unable to accept my wacky brand of slapstick humour and terrified that I would reveal the TRUTH about the Olympic stadium, they turned off the microphone I stole from Iwan Thomas just as I was getting to the juicy bits. The scandal came out eventually so now I’m free to say whatever I like! The MAN will feel the sharp end of my barbs now! I’ll make them wish they never used the Benny Hill music over all my highlight reels!

Thanks Hero. Maybe there’s a good alternative theme for you in this batch?

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9
Jan 18

The Freaky Trigger Movie Poll 2017: #40 – #31

Do You See + FT9 comments • 411 views

6a0105364a8fba970c0153927016cd970b-800wiHi, I’m Captain Ivan Drago, the Muscles from Moscow and still Undisputed World Heavy Champion if you were the kind of person who wandered out of Rocky IV halfway through and never saw a Rocky movie, or a Creed movie ever again. And I can tell you my life as the most beloved person (behind the most committed communist leader ever Mikhail Gorbachev) in the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics is peachy keen, particularly if you also have avoided all media from the late eighties onwards. As I have. After all I train 23 hours a day, only leaving a few moments to be pumped with steroids and varnished. But apparently it is 2018, and the above is a Momentum communist fantasy, so I shall instead retreat into watching recent movies to distract me. Has anything good come out recently?

Thanks Ivan, and for what its worth, I never believed that Rocky could beat you. Even with James Brown’s help. Nevertheless without further ado, here are the films that you lot thought were the good, but not top thirty good which is just the kind of films Ivan Drago deserves.

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6
Jan 18

The Freaky Trigger Readers’ Poll 2017: #40-#31

FT18 comments • 512 views

demonheadmasterHello children. I’m the Demon Headmaster, beloved patriarchal figure of note who wants nothing more than to educate keen students in the most efficient, hypnotic manner possible. If getting results requires a subtle Orwellian undercurrent to my methods then so be it. Anyway, I’ve been asked by the board of governors to step in and overhaul this site. December may have seen the highest monthly posting rate since June 2010, but you slackers running this place are capable of so much more! With some… gentle persuasion… I will increase this blog’s SEO metrics and fulfil my ultimate goal of taking over the worl–… I mean… pivoting to video! Mwahahahaha!

Thanks, Demon Headmaster! Freaky Trigger is a marvellous site and this is the best poll I’ve ever been to. Let’s get cracking:

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24
Dec 17

THE FREAKY TRIGGER ADVENT CALENDAR OF XMAS SANDWICHES – Dec 23 & 24: IN CONCLUSION

FT + WOBS SANGER ADVENT CALENDARPost a comment • 113 views

Twas the night before xmas and all through the hut, we/the eaters were judging what works in a buttie

flaming-pudding• Bacon is bad not good in this particular context
• Even if cranberry is not your thing, BBQ sauce is probably worse

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TFTACOXS – December 22: Pret Festive Winter Salad

FT + WOBS SANGER ADVENT CALENDARPost a comment • 74 views

What is a ‘sandwich’? The concept of an ‘open-faced sandwich’ suggests a structural flexibility beyond the ‘things between two pieces of bread’ definition; yet several fooderies this year have chucked out the whole concept altogether and put out FESTIVE OFFERINGS that can in no way be described as a sandwich AT ALL. One such is Pret’s Festive Winter Salad, £4.95 and consumed in the traditional way, with a maroon plastic fork at an office desk.

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23
Dec 17

TFTACOXS – Dec 21: miscellaneous M&S remnants (and you can’t have miscellany without M and indeed S)

FT + WOBS SANGER ADVENT CALENDARPost a comment • 82 views

turkey-sausage-roll M&SThe dirty lunchable secret is that M&S — while good at snacks in general — are quite bad at sandwiches and have been for a long time. They aren’t awful: this I know bcz I’ve eaten 1 x metric fvcktonne in my years on this earth. But they’re not worth going a long way out of your way for.

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TFTACOXS – December 20: the pret xmas vegetarian miracle

FT + WOBS SANGER ADVENT CALENDARPost a comment • 64 views

pret veg(posted for magnus who lost his password):
Pret have invented the finest Christmas vegetarian sandwich. Ever. Of all the turning points in world history, the introduction of this sandwich is surely going to be one of the best remembered – a miraculous innovation that, like penicillin and handrails, simply made things better.

I remember the moment I discovered it. It seemed impertinent if anything – a cheese and pickle sandwich in the Christmas range didn’t fit my all-too-narrow view of the festive menu. But there it was, and Pret and Christmas have pleased before, so I tried it.

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18
Dec 17

TFTACOXS – December 17: Subway Deluxe Feast

FT + WOBS SANGER ADVENT CALENDARPost a comment • 77 views

Feastmas(posted for Dani who doesn’t have a password yet): Subway Deluxe Feast. Subpar. There, done. What? You want more? Sheesh. It’s a bit tricky to review any Subway sandwich as my fully-customisable sandwich isn’t necessarily your fully-customisable sandwich and that’s OK. Except if you choose to add sweetcorn, because that’s clearly wrong. So, if at the end of this review you wish to dash out and try one for yourself, for comparative purposes this is how my particular “sub” was constructed:

• Hearty Italian bread
• No cheese
• Several off-white chunks the menu calls “butter marinated turkey breast.”
• Two rashers of bacon that were somehow both soggy and crisp
• Standard salad offerings minus sweetcorn and jalepeno
• Cranberry sauce.

The only thing, in my mind, that sets this apart from the usual Subway offerings and makes it “festive” is the addition of the cranberry sauce. This cranberry sauce weirdly smells like BBQ sauce. Maybe the lady at my local Subway branch, conveniently located in the reception of the hospital I work at (and therefore providing a palatable alternative to stealing patient dinners) got mixed up between the two DESPITE the recent switch to clearly labeled and coloured dispensers. It looks red though, so I am going to assume it’s just an overly-sweetened version of cranberry sauce.

Without a clearly defined cranberry sauce tang I am not sure this should be called a Christmas sandwich. This sandwich should heavily feature next time one of the national shite-rags publishes a story on their website that is essentially a rehash of an AMA on Reddit. “Subway employee reveals what you should NEVER order.” This, this is what you shouldn’t order. You’ve been warned.

15
Dec 17

TFTACOXS: Dec 14: Boots Festive Triple

FT + WOBS SANGER ADVENT CALENDAR4 comments • 97 views

Earlier in the year I either had a single hallucinogenic episode brought on by the cramped refrigerated conditions of the Boots ‘chiller’, OR – and this seems far less likely – Boots brought out a “tuna mojito” sandwich. I have photographic evidence but in the world of fake news what if FKA Twigs put it in there as REVENGE for my lack of comfort with her own delight in her explicit sexuality???*

Nonetheless I choose to believe both my memory and my solid evidence and believe in the tuna mojito existence. Because if it DID exist, then the world as we know it has changed beyond belief – at least in the realm of sandwiches! We can have a bloody mary sandwich (tomato bread! peppery filling! celery – ok no – the worst). A martini wrap which you have to shake or stir yourself? Olives could be involved! A mixed “Smarties” brand toastie could be added to the deserts section (would it make the bread rainbow coloured? I am desperate to know this and if you know the answer please respond with evidence in the comments thx). And then when it comes around to CHRISTMAS SEASON – wow – what could they POSSIBLY come up with!

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12
Dec 17

TFTACOXS* – December 12: M&S Chestnut Roast Wrap

FT + WOBS SANGER ADVENT CALENDAR1 comment • 82 views

59faebb31c327e00013f411f_marks-and-spencer-vegan-plant-basedIf buying sandwiches from a pharmacy seemed alien to me, I wonder what I would have thought about department stores selling them. I learned what Marks and Sparks was on the same tram journey back from Meadowhall that I learned what aubergine was (it was being used to describe a pair of unpurchased trousers, rejected for their colour). I had already learned that pants meant undies, and trousers indeed pants. Piece of cake, this English.

Nowadays, I solely consider M&S Simply Food, indeed. Thanks to their taunting adverts and fancy scran, I tend to think of their lunches as a tiny treat yo’self indulgence. Their first vegan wobs offering is a wrap – red pepper tortilla filled with carrots, spinach and chestnut/mixed grains, with grape & cranberry chutney to glue it all together.

Ewan wasn’t overly impressed with the textured tortilla, and found the contents unevenly distributed with many too-carroty bites, overall rating it disappointing. That wasn’t a problem with my wrap, but it was pretty small and not very filling. I did like the use of chestnuts – very xmassy – but I found it a bit too virtuous and not quite within the spirit of the xmas sanger.