FT

6
Jan 18

The Freaky Trigger Readers’ Poll 2017: #40-#31

FT18 comments • 496 views

demonheadmasterHello children. I’m the Demon Headmaster, beloved patriarchal figure of note who wants nothing more than to educate keen students in the most efficient, hypnotic manner possible. If getting results requires a subtle Orwellian undercurrent to my methods then so be it. Anyway, I’ve been asked by the board of governors to step in and overhaul this site. December may have seen the highest monthly posting rate since June 2010, but you slackers running this place are capable of so much more! With some… gentle persuasion… I will increase this blog’s SEO metrics and fulfil my ultimate goal of taking over the worl–… I mean… pivoting to video! Mwahahahaha!

Thanks, Demon Headmaster! Freaky Trigger is a marvellous site and this is the best poll I’ve ever been to. Let’s get cracking:

24
Dec 17

THE FREAKY TRIGGER ADVENT CALENDAR OF XMAS SANDWICHES – Dec 23 & 24: IN CONCLUSION

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Twas the night before xmas and all through the hut, we/the eaters were judging what works in a buttie

flaming-pudding• Bacon is bad not good in this particular context
• Even if cranberry is not your thing, BBQ sauce is probably worse

TFTACOXS – December 22: Pret Festive Winter Salad

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What is a ‘sandwich’? The concept of an ‘open-faced sandwich’ suggests a structural flexibility beyond the ‘things between two pieces of bread’ definition; yet several fooderies this year have chucked out the whole concept altogether and put out FESTIVE OFFERINGS that can in no way be described as a sandwich AT ALL. One such is Pret’s Festive Winter Salad, £4.95 and consumed in the traditional way, with a maroon plastic fork at an office desk.

23
Dec 17

TFTACOXS – Dec 21: miscellaneous M&S remnants (and you can’t have miscellany without M and indeed S)

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turkey-sausage-roll M&SThe dirty lunchable secret is that M&S — while good at snacks in general — are quite bad at sandwiches and have been for a long time. They aren’t awful: this I know bcz I’ve eaten 1 x metric fvcktonne in my years on this earth. But they’re not worth going a long way out of your way for.

TFTACOXS – December 20: the pret xmas vegetarian miracle

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pret veg(posted for magnus who lost his password):
Pret have invented the finest Christmas vegetarian sandwich. Ever. Of all the turning points in world history, the introduction of this sandwich is surely going to be one of the best remembered – a miraculous innovation that, like penicillin and handrails, simply made things better.

I remember the moment I discovered it. It seemed impertinent if anything – a cheese and pickle sandwich in the Christmas range didn’t fit my all-too-narrow view of the festive menu. But there it was, and Pret and Christmas have pleased before, so I tried it.

18
Dec 17

TFTACOXS – December 17: Subway Deluxe Feast

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Feastmas(posted for Dani who doesn’t have a password yet): Subway Deluxe Feast. Subpar. There, done. What? You want more? Sheesh. It’s a bit tricky to review any Subway sandwich as my fully-customisable sandwich isn’t necessarily your fully-customisable sandwich and that’s OK. Except if you choose to add sweetcorn, because that’s clearly wrong. So, if at the end of this review you wish to dash out and try one for yourself, for comparative purposes this is how my particular “sub” was constructed:

• Hearty Italian bread
• No cheese
• Several off-white chunks the menu calls “butter marinated turkey breast.”
• Two rashers of bacon that were somehow both soggy and crisp
• Standard salad offerings minus sweetcorn and jalepeno
• Cranberry sauce.

The only thing, in my mind, that sets this apart from the usual Subway offerings and makes it “festive” is the addition of the cranberry sauce. This cranberry sauce weirdly smells like BBQ sauce. Maybe the lady at my local Subway branch, conveniently located in the reception of the hospital I work at (and therefore providing a palatable alternative to stealing patient dinners) got mixed up between the two DESPITE the recent switch to clearly labeled and coloured dispensers. It looks red though, so I am going to assume it’s just an overly-sweetened version of cranberry sauce.

Without a clearly defined cranberry sauce tang I am not sure this should be called a Christmas sandwich. This sandwich should heavily feature next time one of the national shite-rags publishes a story on their website that is essentially a rehash of an AMA on Reddit. “Subway employee reveals what you should NEVER order.” This, this is what you shouldn’t order. You’ve been warned.

15
Dec 17

TFTACOXS: Dec 14: Boots Festive Triple

FT + WOBS SANGER ADVENT CALENDAR4 comments • 85 views

Earlier in the year I either had a single hallucinogenic episode brought on by the cramped refrigerated conditions of the Boots ‘chiller’, OR – and this seems far less likely – Boots brought out a “tuna mojito” sandwich. I have photographic evidence but in the world of fake news what if FKA Twigs put it in there as REVENGE for my lack of comfort with her own delight in her explicit sexuality???*

Nonetheless I choose to believe both my memory and my solid evidence and believe in the tuna mojito existence. Because if it DID exist, then the world as we know it has changed beyond belief – at least in the realm of sandwiches! We can have a bloody mary sandwich (tomato bread! peppery filling! celery – ok no – the worst). A martini wrap which you have to shake or stir yourself? Olives could be involved! A mixed “Smarties” brand toastie could be added to the deserts section (would it make the bread rainbow coloured? I am desperate to know this and if you know the answer please respond with evidence in the comments thx). And then when it comes around to CHRISTMAS SEASON – wow – what could they POSSIBLY come up with!

12
Dec 17

TFTACOXS* – December 12: M&S Chestnut Roast Wrap

FT + WOBS SANGER ADVENT CALENDAR1 comment • 76 views

59faebb31c327e00013f411f_marks-and-spencer-vegan-plant-basedIf buying sandwiches from a pharmacy seemed alien to me, I wonder what I would have thought about department stores selling them. I learned what Marks and Sparks was on the same tram journey back from Meadowhall that I learned what aubergine was (it was being used to describe a pair of unpurchased trousers, rejected for their colour). I had already learned that pants meant undies, and trousers indeed pants. Piece of cake, this English.

Nowadays, I solely consider M&S Simply Food, indeed. Thanks to their taunting adverts and fancy scran, I tend to think of their lunches as a tiny treat yo’self indulgence. Their first vegan wobs offering is a wrap – red pepper tortilla filled with carrots, spinach and chestnut/mixed grains, with grape & cranberry chutney to glue it all together.

Ewan wasn’t overly impressed with the textured tortilla, and found the contents unevenly distributed with many too-carroty bites, overall rating it disappointing. That wasn’t a problem with my wrap, but it was pretty small and not very filling. I did like the use of chestnuts – very xmassy – but I found it a bit too virtuous and not quite within the spirit of the xmas sanger.

TFTACOXS* – December 11: Pret Ham Hock, Stuffing And Apple

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ham hock *The Freaky Trigger Advent Calendar Of Xmas Sandwiches OF COURSE

Pret’s Christmas sandwich line may be the one to beat, but it is not without flaws. One particular recurrent problem gives anger to the Sandwich Gods: Pret continually use very crumbly ingredients. Crumbliness is a Bad Thing in sandwich terms particularly if – as is surely the case with Pret! – a sizeable chunk of your customers will be eating them at their desks. Keyboards and jumpers beware – there is no controlling the crispy onions in the Christmas Feast.

11
Dec 17

THE FREAKY TRIGGER ADVENT CALENDAR OF XMAS SANDWICHES – December 10: The Snow Globe

FT + WOBS SANGER ADVENT CALENDAR3 comments • 109 views

snow globe The centrepiece of Sainsbury’s Christmas range this year is “The Snow Globe”. This boldly rejects all traditional packaging and is sold in a sealed plastic dome, which fanciness probably adds 50p to the cost of the not-all-that-large sandwich. Unless Sainsbury’s are taking a Blue Monday 12″ style profit hit, which I very much doubt.

What is it? “Christmas dinner in a brioche bun” or in plainer terms a turkey and bacon roll. The brioche bun has tiny stars on, nicely captured in this image I nicked off Twitter, and is very pleasant and fluffy, but (surely to nobody’s surprise) the whole thing suffers from over-ambition and ultimately disappoints.

The problem is the bold decision to have both a layer of cranberry and a layer of “sprout slaw”. High marks on paper for seeing the christmas dinner concept through and including sprouts, but in practice both layers are a bit too gloopy. Which combined with the softness of the bread gives the Snow Globe a slightly sloppy and pre-chewed feel. A bit less of the cranberry, and (sad to say) a more robust bread, and the bitterness of the slaw would have balanced the sweetness very nicely. As it is, the Snow Globe is… no great shakes.